Couples attempting to restore their relationships in the wake of an affair experience a swarm of emotions. One minute they are enemies, the next they are starving for intimacy and connection. The relationship has changed and no one seems to know how to get through it. The whole world seems different and yet, it just keeps going as if life as you know it has not completely crumbled. When I see couples in my counseling office there is one question that continues to hang in the air like a million-dollar chandelier hanging by a single thread of dental floss. "How could you do this to me?"
This single question continues to repeat like a mantra under hushed voices at midnight and loud voices in the middle of dinner. It seems to be the theme of almost every question asked about the affair. It keeps offended spouses awake at night and unfaithful partners in constant defense. This is the question that is asking so many other questions and begs to be addressed before healing can begin.
How Could YOU Do This To Me?
How could you, the person that told me that I was the most special person in the world, betray me like this? This question is about trust in the commitment to be responsible with a loved one's emotions. This is also about attachment. In most couples I see for infidelity recovery they are one another's most trusted person. Many times partners are the only trusted person. The offended spouse questions if this is the person they thought they knew. They question if they ever really knew this person at all, or if they should ever trust anyone again. To address this question is to address the identity of the person that was unfaithful. The hurting partner needs reassurance that the behavior does not define the whole person or their entire relationship.
How Could You Do THIS To Me?
How could you do this very personal, (assuming) mean-spirited, hurtful thing? This question is wondering was this premeditated? The query asks about the intent behind the specific behavior. It assumes that the offending spouse considered alternatives and willfully chose this action to use as attack. Some hurt partners read ill intent in the thought that their spouse conjured up this plan to hurt them in a very personal way. To address this question is to convey the absence of intent to harm by specific actions. Helping an aggrieved spouse to understand the actions are not purposeful in creating the depth of the pain.
How Could You Do This To ME?
This is the way the question is framed most in my office. How could you do this hurtful thing to create so much pain and punish me? The affair feels like a personal attack to most offended partners. It feels as though their spouse wanted to hurt them and knew this would destroy them most effectively. Many describe it as a dagger being hurled directly into their heart, with a twist and a smile. Others take it as confirmation that they are worthless and unlovable. To address this question is to address the feeling that this is a personal attack. An offended partner would need to be reminded (numerous times) that the act was not an intentional assault.
Infidelity recovery requires many questions to be answered in order to successfully heal. These are only some of the ways this question can be delivered and received. This very complex question is an accurate representation of many questions asked during the restoration process. Recovering from an affair is difficult but not impossible. Couples can and have come back stronger than ever before. Repair may not be easy, but it could one of your relationship's greatest accomplishments.
How does a Marriage Counselor end up on TV anyway? I'm not quite sure but I had fun doing it and hope it helps someone.The story aired on 8/23/2017 and 8/27/2017 during the evening broadcasts in Columbus, Ohio and surrounding markets. Click Here to watch the story.
All hands on deck! I assume if you are reading this that your home is much like ours around this time of year. We struggle with coordinating open houses, supply lists, paperwork, clothes, shoes, new teachers, bus routes, the list seems to never end. Lazy summer mornings are traded for before dawn wake-ups and 100 meter dashes to the bus stop. We forgo trips to the pool to trips to the local Supercenter for the unanticipated item we neglected the day before. Managing all of this is exhausting! In all of the to-do list items competing for our attention, how do we keep our marriage alive? Here are a few suggestions to help your relationship alive (and dare I say thrive) through the chaos of this time of year.
Remember You Are In This Together
One partner may carry more of the load when managing day-to-day tasks, but in the end, you are a team. Sometimes it is easy to get irritable and soon begin to bicker with one another. Remind yourself and your partner that you are working together to get through this. When you disagree, try to hear the message instead of getting stuck on how it is being delivered.
Get Organized To Stay Organized
If your family is anything like ours, we start the year off really strong with organization. Sometime around the time the leaves change our plans have dissolved into a distant and fleeting memory. Sticking with a plan can assist you in making it through this school year successfully. Spend some time organizing schedules and then put in time each week or month to check in and make sure the plan is still viable. Start basic and expand as time and needs require. That will help your family to maintain over the school year and allow you to find for just the two of you as well.
This Too Shall Pass
In most families this back to school chaos is not permanent. One day you will find that most of the emergencies were temporary annoyances and will soon be forgotten. Years from now you will live in the peace and harmony that comes with no longer having school-aged children. Your family will find your own special kind of order and settle into a routine. Be patient, it will probably get better. Find ways to appreciate one another every day. What you say to your partner may out last the struggle you are in right now; becoming either comfort or contention for years to come.
Take Time Out For Self-Care
With all of the stress of meeting some deadline or standard don't forget to take care of your own individual needs. Some parents lose sleep over scheduling soccer practices and choir rehearsals. They drag themselves from activity to activity without stopping for rest or a decent meal. Your body is much like your car. If you don't put fuel in it, eventually it will stop. Do yourself, your partner, and your family a favor; get some rest. I don’t think the earth will stop because you took a nap every once in a while.
Spend Time With Your Partner
Sometimes it is easy to forget that you are more than just co-managers of the family. You are two people who love one another. The ultimate health of your family is largely determined by the health of your relationship. Put time for love and re-connection on your calendar because it is just as important as making sure the health forms are in by the deadline. Sneak away together on a regular basis. This helps your children to learn to prioritize their own relationships as well when their time comes. Regular attention to your spouse also teaches the children that they are not the center of the universe; helping them learn healthy boundaries.
Starting a new school year is difficult for many families. The first day of school signals new beginnings. Sometimes the school year also signals new anxieties (or old ones repackaged). Acknowledging that you are working together for a common goal could be a great way to bond in your relationship. Setting a plan and sticking with it will model organization, teamwork, and togetherness. While managing the children make sure to take some time out to nourish your marriage, your relationship will thank you for it.
Sometimes after couples have been together for a long time they feel that the relationship gets stale. Date night (if you have it) is predictable and mundane. You have run out of things to talk about. You are existing but have yet to live that life you thought you would when you said "I do". Marriage does not have to be boring. It can be the best thing you have going; if you are willing to put some work into it.
Clarify Your Vision
Many of us had a clear vision of what we thought marriage would be. We daydreamed about travel, romantic nights, beautiful homes, the works. As we mature we realize that those dreams got pushed back by mortgages, growing careers, or children. We stopped allowing ourselves to live in what could be and traded for right now. Challenge yourselves to go back to your vision for what your marriage should be. Talk about the vision, write it down, put it somewhere you have to look at it every day. The clearer the vision the more likely you are to work toward it.
Shut The World Out
I cringe when I see a couple sitting across the table from one another at a restaurants deeply engaged in their phones. We live in a society where our devices get more attention than our spouses. If electronics are not screaming for our attention, our children, or careers are. In order for a relationship to work it has to receive some uninterrupted attention. On a regular basis make a point to turn everything off and tune everything else out that does not feed your connection. You both deserve one another's undivided attention. If we give all of our time, energy, and resources to everything else in life you may find that you may notice one day that are sleeping next to a complete stranger.
Schedule An Appointment Everyday
Effort and attention are key to making a relationship work long term. Some people argue that scheduling time together (particularly for intimacy) makes the event boring and routine. I challenge the couples I see in my counseling office to schedule special time together. Drs. John and Julie Gottman (the Gurus of couples' therapy) assert that 15-minute daily check ins are extremely important for repairing damaged relationships or maintaining great ones. They teach us that the "masters" of relationships understand the need to touch base with their partner daily. Most of us live by our calendars but leave connection to chance. We put effort in to this relationship in the beginning to ensure its success, why not put effort in to maintain its survival? Being intentional is imperative to having satisfying relationships.
Learn Something New
Even partners who have been married decades can learn something new about their spouses. At some point along the journey of a long-term relationship we start to believe that there is nothing more to glean from this union. Our knowledge of one another becomes stale and outdated. Just as you have changed since the beginning of your relationship, so has your partner. Take time out to learn likes and dislikes, observe the way they move, update your knowledge of their world. There is always something to learn about the complex human you chose to do life with. We are fully alive when we are growing, so take notice of the ways your partner has grown since you met.
In life we are constantly moving and doing. With all of the things on our "to-do" lists we struggle to want to add enhancing our relationship to that list; until the neglect is apparent. We prioritize so many things above our marriage and then panic when it seems as though it is falling apart. Most couples are so excited about the wedding and honeymoon that they forget to plan a marriage. The wedding is a beginning to a (hopefully) long, happy life together. Happy marriages are amazing investments; but they require your determination, planning, and prioritizing. Your marriage can be amazing; if you are willing to make the effort.
Knowing when to begin the process of finding a marriage counselor is an arduous task for some couples. Marital distress is exhausting and seemingly all consuming, but some couples assume it will get better over time. This is true for some, but not true for many others. Many marriages suffer unnecessarily because the couple waits so long to reach out. My experience with couples tells me if you are thinking about it, you should probably take that insight seriously; it may save your relationship. Here are some signs that it may be time to seek assistance with getting your relationship back on track.
You Acknowledge Your Relationship Is Not Working
Some people expect their marital bond and happiness to decline over time. This is not the natural life cycle of a relationship. If you find that your marriage is suffering, stagnant, or emotionally painful than it is not working. We can feel when our relationships are not working. We no longer look forward to coming home from work or spending time together. Small disagreements turn into huge arguments. Neither of you feel loved, supported, or appreciated. You may have even tried to fix it on your own but nothing seems to work. This may mean it is time to reach out for help.
You Need A Blueprint For A Successful Marriage
Most of us haven't the slightest idea how to make a marriage work in 2017. The blueprint set forth by successful marriages in previous generations has become outdated. We have concerns we did not have in the past. We have to juggle social media, unlimited internet access, many of us have double income households, children, great careers, building businesses, etc. We struggle to figure out what our relationships are supposed to look like. If this is your struggle, you may consider an objective, well-trained ear to help you to define what your successful relationship will look like.
Things Are Not Getting Better
Every relationship has ups and downs. Some days you tell yourself that forever is not long enough to be in love with this person. Other days you question why you chose this person in the first place. Bumps in the road are normal and healthy. You will not be madly in love all of the time. Some days you will just be mad. You may consider making the call to a relationship therapist when the bad days far outweigh the good days, or the good days are so far and few between that you have lost track. This is a sign you may need some tools to help you communicate with one another more effectively.
Some people still struggle with the stigma of couples counseling as if they are admitting defeat. This belief could not be further from truth. You are admitting defeat when you don't try. You are most powerful when you decide to work toward what you want. Relationship therapy is about investing in the commitment you made to one another. The road back to one another is not easy, but it is definitely worth it.
I'm usually not a fan of Jay Z's music; however I was intrigued when the articles about 4:44 flooded my timeline. I had to check it out. What I found was the most honest, emotional, vulnerable Hip Hop track I've heard in a very long time. The lyrics reminded me of all of the partners who found themselves drowning in guilt and despair after their affair. As it is a response to his wife Beyonce's Lemonade album, I noticed it also parallels many of the "power couples" I meet in my counseling office, grasping to hold together the pieces of their own marriages after infidelity.
What was most striking was his very public, very personal apology. He didn't try to hide behind excuses, he took responsibility without being defensive. As a Marriage Counselor who specializes in affair recovery I applaud his effort. He gets it. A couple will never recover without the heartfelt, vulnerable, emotional apology.
I apologize. Our love was one for the ages and I contained us in all this rachet s***. We are more expansive now. Meant to cry and die alone in these mansions or sleep with our back turned. We're supposed to vacate till our backs burn. We're supposed to laugh till our hearts stops and then meet in the space where the dark stops and let love light the way.- Jay Z's 4:44
There are so many themes in these lyrics that mirror the themes I see in my therapy office. Two people who are on the top of the world being crushed by the hurt that was created between them. People assume they have a perfect life because of what can be seen from the outside. This is a relationship where both powerful and successful in their own rights, yet struggling with the pain of a crumbling marriage behind closed doors. Many people say they would leave if they ever encountered an affair. Some do because many times it is easier than sorting through the emotional wreckage. But, some brave souls who love each other and want desperately to preserve the love they had and their dreams for their future roll up their sleeves and do the hard work that it takes to save their marriages.
My client couples amaze me with their unwavering hard work and dedication to their careers. They are business people, CEOs, entrepreneurs, professionals, and politicians. They build awesome careers and are usually pillars of the community. They come in broken, hurting, and exhausted. Something incredible happens when they learn to channel the characteristics that made them successful into rebuilding their relationship. They find that they are able to thrive in their career and their relationships.
Jay Z and Beyonce's struggles are not unique to them. The feelings of disconnect, hurt, sadness, grief, guilt, and shame are all part of the experience of infidelity. The therapy comes from the journey back to healing. This journey begins with a very real, very open, very emotionally raw apology. The marriage that is built from the wreckage promises to be stronger than the original. I'm glad they were both brave enough to share this with the world through their music. Hopefully others will be inspired to do the hard work of recovering after infidelity as well.
In honor of Father's Day I thought I would write something for my guys.
Long before college I knew I wanted to be a couples' therapist. I absolutely loved the idea of sitting in a room with two people who seemed so far away from one another and watching them get closer and closer. One of the most compelling reasons relationship counseling is my chosen specialty is because I noticed guys do not get to say much in their relationships. We know the old adage "happy wife, happy life" which is true, but what about happy husbands?
It seemed to me that many guys are expected to be the silent partner in relationships. In counseling couples I've noticed some wives are vocal about her needs and those needs are frequently the topic of discussion. Many husbands couldn't, or wouldn't, or just didn't voice their needs and wants as much. But why?
I spent many years searching for the answers only to find very few texts that helped me to understand men in general and a minuscule amount that explained men in relationships. So I made it my mission to find out how I could help the guys in the relationships I see. I wanted to help give them a voice too. After years of searching and practicing I found several things that needed to be addressed if we (spouses, partners, the mental health community, etc.) were going to be effective with men.
Keep a respectful tone
Men respond best to respectful words and tone. It seems so basic but many times we forget this. Most men's ears are very tuned into tone of voice and will make meaning of it almost instantly. Some struggle with hearing the message if the tone is not respectful. Tone can make or break a relationship.
Honor the way he sees the world
Most men did not grow up in environments in which their emotions were encouraged or even appreciated. They were told they were weak or out of control if they showed the wrong emotion. This may have helped to shape how he feels about emotions in general. Being in a relationship may be much harder than we give him credit for. He is supposed to love someone but may have been taught not show his feelings. What??!! No wonder he may choose to keep feelings completely out of the discussion. It helps to appreciate his efforts when he feels safe enough to share.
Allow him his dignity
Watching a spouse completely berate a man sends a cringe that moves from the bottom of my feet to the ends of my curls. Some relationships have lost so much dignity I swear I am watching a parent correct their child. We sometimes revert to our most unhealthy patterns while upset. Having a peaceful discussion about issues gives us the best odds on a positive outcome.
Men are amazing and complex. Keeping these points in mind may create a safe place where a man can share what he thinks and feels. I believe we could all have better relationships if we respect each person's individuality and need; and this includes the men in our lives.
To all of my men out there who are raising a child (biological or not) I wish you the best Father's Day!
I almost died. We almost died. It would have been all my fault.
Maybe I'm being dramatic. The point is: We were careening down a steep hill toward the murky depths of Deer Creek and I was totally out of control.
Here's what happened. My husband and I were away enjoying a romantic weekend getaway without our children. We had a room at the lodge with a view of the pool and plenty of time to enjoy one another's company. We could have peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I would have none of that. If you've read my blog about the REI trail you know I live for a little adventure and my adventures can turn into misadventures really quickly. If you haven't read it, you should; as it is nothing if not entertaining. Click here.
But I digress
It was a beautiful day in a idyllic setting so I suggested we go on a bike ride. I saw the resort rents tandem bikes and thought how romantic it would be to ride around the lake together. When I suggested it my husband gave me the side-eye and reluctantly agreed. I bounce off to the front desk to complete the paperwork while my loving husband unleashes the tandem bike from the bike rack. When I return he has it all set up and ready to go. I snapped the picture (above) and hop on the front seat because I wanted to drive. Although I didn't look back to see it, I now imagine my husband had a flash of anxiety across his face.
Off we go!
Very soon I realize that steering a tandem bicycle is not a strength of mine. I began to consider the idea that my husband's skills may be better suited for this job, but I didn't want him to take it from me. Honestly, I wanted to be in control. We did a test run around the parking lot and I started to feel a little more comfortable. I led to the path toward the water. This is the part where my husband starts telling me to slow down. I listened but the steep hill did not. Now, instead of slowing down we are quickly picking up speed.
Before I know it we are lurching down the hill toward the lake at (what seemed like) break-neck speed.
I shout "Honey, I can't slow it down!" To which he replied "Hit the brakes!" At this point several other couples are now watching and listening to this exchange.They are watching with faces that read a mix between horror and amusement. I then realize that I forgot to make note of the brakes, because they are not on the handlebars where they are supposed to be. I yell "where are the BRAKES!??!!" My husband patiently responds "Baby, peddle backward."
When I applied the brakes the tandem bicycle stopped. I jumped off as if the bicycle was on fire and quickly took the back seat. It all became quite funny to me and the lesson was apparent. I am so used to taking charge of everything and taking responsibility for everything it never occurred to me to share the responsibility with my husband. Much of my life is living on my own terms as a entrepreneur in my own private therapy practice. I forgot I have a very capable partner in life who is willing to shoulder some of the burden of life with me. I did not get married to do life by myself. It did not turn out better when I did it all myself and felt like I had full control. Many of the couples I see for counseling struggle with the same issue. Both partners are high achievers; in leadership or own their own businesses. They have power and control of their own lives and the lives of others. When it comes to their relationship they get locked in a power struggle and wonder why they feel like their relationship is hurtling down a hill toward a murky lake. My job is to help them learn that they can and should depend on another. We all have struggles and need to be reminded that we are not alone in life. We have a partner to "do life" with. It is OK to let your partner lead every once in a while.
Q: How Would Taking Care Of Myself Help To Improve My Relationship? Part II- The Danger In Unmet Needs
In Part One I wrote about those of us who lack self-care turning to their spouse to have all of their needs met. This time around I discuss what happens when you realize your partner cannot meet all of your needs and look for other ways to fill the void. When we ignore our own needs we feel empty and we look for other ways to fill the voids we experience. In providing affair recovery therapy I have found many unfaithful partners lacked adequate self-care.
Most people think of self-care as simple behaviors like exercise or sleep. Yes, that is a part of it but that is not the whole picture. True caring for self is addressing all of our needs; including emotional, psychological, and relational needs Adequate self-care is really about finding the voids in your life and finding a healthy way to fill those voids. Many couples come to counseling and one or both expect their partner to fulfill every need they have. The unmet need for love, attention, and affection is especially dangerous when you are in a relationship. Many affairs have started this way. We need to matter to someone, feel important, and valued (self-esteem). Many affairs promise these needs will be fulfilled, but over time the void is rediscovered because this is an internal job.
People who lack sufficient self-care are many times people-pleasers, martyrs, or self-sacrificing heroes/sheroes. They may tell themselves it is wrong to spend time and energy on themselves. Their do not see their own needs or create boundaries that support their well-being. These folks with these invisible needs may search their whole life looking for something to fill that need. That "something" could be abusing substances, busying themselves with children, becoming a workaholic, or taking on a lover. At any rate, the primary love relationship suffers because this partner is no longer completely invested in the relationship. The "something" has taken their partner's place as the most important thing to them.
If someone is able to recognize the deficits in their life, and incorporate adequate self-care to reduce the deficit, the relationship is more likely to survive. One would need to find wholeness and feel complete in themselves to combat the temptation of the quick fix the "somethings" promise. Beginning and maintaining sufficient self-care can create a beautiful relationship of two whole, healthy people.
Well, I'm glad you asked. If you are reading this you may need to be convinced or need help convincing someone else that taking care of yourself is necessary to have a healthy relationship. Taking care of yourself is relationship enhancement and will help to prevent its destruction.
Your favorite airline makes sure you hear the words "put the oxygen mask on yourself first". Why? Because you cannot save anyone else if you perish.
The same principle can be applied for relationships. If you always put others' needs ahead of your own, you may destroy the very person they depend on.....you.
As a marriage/couple counselor I see many relationships in distress because one partner has taken on the self-sacrificing hero/heroine role and resents their partner for not doing the same. Over time many couples find they are building resentment and anger that has all but destroyed the relationship. One partner experiences the demand for love and attention are far too high. The other (the martyr/hero/heroine) feels their needs are never adequately met. The second partner desperately attempts to hold on tighter while the first partner feels suffocated.
Ok, but if I'm focusing on me won't my marriage suffer?
No, not if you are responsible about it and your life is in balance. If you are constantly running on empty you may look to your spouse to fill all of your empty buckets that you have neglected. As an example, if you are not taking care of yourself emotionally you may learn to depend on your spouse to manage your emotions for you. You may find yourself saying something like "I am not fulfilled in this relationship". Looking for complete fulfillment outside of self is dangerous. You have everything you need to be happy and healthy already inside you. A healthy relationship is a complement not completion. Neglecting yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and/or psychologically could make you take more from your partner than they have or are willing to give.
The truth is: one must find balance in life. Maintaining health in all aspects of life allows you to be a whole person where you can give freely and fully. A person lacking in self-care can drain a relationship and leave both partners drained. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to address your own needs before you can begin to address needs of others.
If you need a jump start or some help maintaining adequate self-care click here to learn more about joining the self-care group starting soon. If your are in Columbus and need help rebuilding your relationship click here.