Q: How Would Taking Care Of Myself Help To Improve My Relationship? Part II- The Danger In Unmet Needs
In Part One I wrote about those of us who lack self-care turning to their spouse to have all of their needs met. This time around I discuss what happens when you realize your partner cannot meet all of your needs and look for other ways to fill the void. When we ignore our own needs we feel empty and we look for other ways to fill the voids we experience. In providing affair recovery therapy I have found many unfaithful partners lacked adequate self-care.
Most people think of self-care as simple behaviors like exercise or sleep. Yes, that is a part of it but that is not the whole picture. True caring for self is addressing all of our needs; including emotional, psychological, and relational needs Adequate self-care is really about finding the voids in your life and finding a healthy way to fill those voids. Many couples come to counseling and one or both expect their partner to fulfill every need they have. The unmet need for love, attention, and affection is especially dangerous when you are in a relationship. Many affairs have started this way. We need to matter to someone, feel important, and valued (self-esteem). Many affairs promise these needs will be fulfilled, but over time the void is rediscovered because this is an internal job.
People who lack sufficient self-care are many times people-pleasers, martyrs, or self-sacrificing heroes/sheroes. They may tell themselves it is wrong to spend time and energy on themselves. Their do not see their own needs or create boundaries that support their well-being. These folks with these invisible needs may search their whole life looking for something to fill that need. That "something" could be abusing substances, busying themselves with children, becoming a workaholic, or taking on a lover. At any rate, the primary love relationship suffers because this partner is no longer completely invested in the relationship. The "something" has taken their partner's place as the most important thing to them.
If someone is able to recognize the deficits in their life, and incorporate adequate self-care to reduce the deficit, the relationship is more likely to survive. One would need to find wholeness and feel complete in themselves to combat the temptation of the quick fix the "somethings" promise. Beginning and maintaining sufficient self-care can create a beautiful relationship of two whole, healthy people.
Well, I'm glad you asked. If you are reading this you may need to be convinced or need help convincing someone else that taking care of yourself is necessary to have a healthy relationship. Taking care of yourself is relationship enhancement and will help to prevent its destruction.
Your favorite airline makes sure you hear the words "put the oxygen mask on yourself first". Why? Because you cannot save anyone else if you perish.
The same principle can be applied for relationships. If you always put others' needs ahead of your own, you may destroy the very person they depend on.....you.
As a marriage/couple counselor I see many relationships in distress because one partner has taken on the self-sacrificing hero/heroine role and resents their partner for not doing the same. Over time many couples find they are building resentment and anger that has all but destroyed the relationship. One partner experiences the demand for love and attention are far too high. The other (the martyr/hero/heroine) feels their needs are never adequately met. The second partner desperately attempts to hold on tighter while the first partner feels suffocated.
Ok, but if I'm focusing on me won't my marriage suffer?
No, not if you are responsible about it and your life is in balance. If you are constantly running on empty you may look to your spouse to fill all of your empty buckets that you have neglected. As an example, if you are not taking care of yourself emotionally you may learn to depend on your spouse to manage your emotions for you. You may find yourself saying something like "I am not fulfilled in this relationship". Looking for complete fulfillment outside of self is dangerous. You have everything you need to be happy and healthy already inside you. A healthy relationship is a complement not completion. Neglecting yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and/or psychologically could make you take more from your partner than they have or are willing to give.
The truth is: one must find balance in life. Maintaining health in all aspects of life allows you to be a whole person where you can give freely and fully. A person lacking in self-care can drain a relationship and leave both partners drained. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to address your own needs before you can begin to address needs of others.
If you need a jump start or some help maintaining adequate self-care click here to learn more about joining the self-care group starting soon. If your are in Columbus and need help rebuilding your relationship click here.