Q: How Would Taking Care Of Myself Help To Improve My Relationship? Part II- The Danger In Unmet Needs
In Part One, I wrote about those of us who lack self-care turning to our spouse to have all of their needs met. This time around, I discuss what happens when you realize your partner cannot meet all of your needs and look for other ways to fill the void. When we ignore our own needs, we feel empty, and we look for other ways to fill the voids we experience. In providing affair recovery therapy, I have found many unfaithful partners lack adequate self-care.
Most people think of self-care as simple behaviors like exercise or sleep. Yes, that is a part of it, but that is not the whole picture. True caring for self is addressing all of our needs, including emotional, psychological, and relational needs. Adequate self-care is really about finding the voids in your life and finding a healthy way to fill those voids. Many couples come to counseling and one or both expect their partner to fulfill every need they have. The unmet need for love, attention, and affection is especially dangerous when you are in a relationship. Many affairs have started this way. We need to matter to someone, feel important, and valued (self-esteem). Many affairs promise these needs will be fulfilled, but over time, the void is rediscovered because this is an internal job.
People who lack sufficient self-care are many people-pleasers, martyrs, or self-sacrificing heroes/sheroes. They may tell themselves it is wrong to spend time and energy on themselves. They do not see their own needs or create boundaries that support their well-being. These folks with these invisible needs may search their whole life looking for something to fill that need. That “something” could be abusing substances, busying themselves with children, becoming a workaholic, or taking on a lover. At any rate, the primary love relationship suffers because this partner is no longer completely invested in the relationship. The “something” has taken their partner’s place as the most important thing to them.
If someone is able to recognize the deficits in their life and incorporate adequate self-care to reduce the deficit, the relationship is more likely to survive. One would need to find wholeness and feel complete in themselves to combat the temptation of the quick fix, the “somethings” promise. Beginning and maintaining sufficient self-care can create a beautiful relationship between two whole, healthy people.