We Just Drifted Apart-3 Ways To Reverse The Tide
It is painful to be in a relationship where you sit up at night trying to figure out how to feel connected again. The silence between you and your partner is uncomfortable and familiar.
Many couples come into my office with similar stories:
1. They are better friends or roommates than they are lovers
2. The kids left and now they do not know each other
3. They are living completely separate lives.
The sad truth: I can usually trace the disconnect back to silence.
Most people do not enter into relationships with the expectation to drift apart; they just do. They let work, kids, family, activities, and life get in the way of building the love they want. Couples struggle to juggle all of the responsibilities of life, so something has to give. Unfortunately, many people assume they have time later to work on “us” because so many other things are demanding our attention. Some couples address it in short spurts with weekend getaways or date night. Other couples assume this is normal in long-term relationships and allow life to take over. None of these options seem to get to the underlying problem, the silence. The silence is deafening, and neither of you knows what to do about it.
Address The Elephant In The Room
This may sound like common sense, but ignoring the problem will not make it go away. Talk to your partner about how you feel. If you are feeling disconnected, most likely your partner shares your experience. They may even thank you for bringing it up. Just talking about it can begin connecting the two of you in ways you have not been in years. Start the conversation without anger or blame; attempt to find out what is blocking your partner from feeling close to you. Open the conversation with talking about how important the connection to your partner is to you and that you are willing to do something about it. You can start with remembering all of the things that connected the two of you in the beginning. What made your partner feel special? They may be grateful for you taking the initiative, taking responsbility, and your willingness to put energy into the relationship.
Develop A Plan and Commit To It
Contrary to popular belief, marriages can be healed outside of going to therapy. Honestly, therapy is not a guarantee to save your relationship. If you are both committed to your relationship, you can read books by reputable authors, get support from couples you respect, go on a retreat, whatever you think would work best for you. The goal is to be committed to doing something about the distance between you. If both of you are committed to the same goal you are far more likely to accomplish it. If you find that you need more professional assistance, make sure that your therapist specializes in your presenting concerns, has a clear plan, and has experience helping partnerships with the challenges you are facing. An excellent therapist for individual counseling may not necessarily have the training and expertise needed to provide effective relationship counseling.
Address Unresolved Conflict
In order to start the process of reversing the tide and finding your way to one another again you may have to address some unresolved hurts that have kept you distant. Often, the roommate experience is an outgrowth of allowing conflict to fester in the silence, creating distance between you. Take the time to find out what is keeping you and/or your partner from feeling cared for and important to you. Start conversations with the goal of hearing one another and finding ways you can take responsibility for your own parts in the actions that resulted in the hurt. This does not mean you have to take responsibility for the intention of creating distance, it means that you are willing to look at the impact of your decisions, intended or not. This is no easy task, but a necessary one. No amount of washing dishes or going on dates will heal hurts in your relationship. Make taking care of unresolved hurts a priority as it is necessary to feel like best friends again. Make building the bond between you a priority even when life wants to get in the way. . Many marriages fail because the relationship is secondary to any and everything else. What you feed will flourish, what you starve will die. It is hard to excel in other avenues in life if your marriage is failing. Take the time to invest in your relationship to ensure it survival. The returns on your investment may continue for years (even generations) to come.
It is important to remember your connection was not broken overnight and cannot be rebuilt overnight either. It takes time to find those things that bonded you two in the first place. Your connection will be rebuilt one moment at a time, as small drops into a bucket that can fill to overflowing. What keeps you from starting today?
Key Takeaways
- Many couples experience drifting apart in marriage due to silence and unresolved issues.
- Addressing these issues openly can reconnect partners and improve their relationship.
- Developing a plan together and committing to it can strengthen the bond between partners.
- It’s crucial to address unresolved conflicts, as they can create distance and dissatisfaction.
- Rebuilding connection takes time and consistent effort, so prioritize your relationship amidst life’s demands.