From In Love to In-Laws: Setting Boundaries with In-Laws During the Holidays and Nurturing Your Relationship and Marriage

From In Love to In-Laws: Setting Boundaries with In-Laws During the Holidays and Nurturing Your Relationship and Marriage by Danielle Culpeper, LPC Photo by Artboard Studio on Unsplash

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​Written by: Danielle Culpepper, LPCC

Not only is the holiday season a time of year filled with joy, love, and togetherness. For many couples, it can also be a challenging time when boundaries with in-laws are pushed and tested. When our in-laws do not respect the boundaries of our relationship or marriage, it is essential to establish and communicate clear boundaries to ensure a harmonious holiday experience. In this blog post, we will discuss practical strategies to set boundaries effectively and maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws during the holiday season.

Acknowledge and Reflect 

Before addressing the issue with your in-laws, take a step back and reflect on your own perspective. Consider the differences between the intention of their actions versus the impact it has had on you or your relationship. This introspection will help you approach the situation with a clearer mindset and avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Establish Clear Communication with Your Partner

Before discussing the boundaries with your in-laws, ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. Sit down together and establish a united front, clearly outlining the boundaries you both feel are necessary. Agreeing on these boundaries will give you the confidence to communicate them effectively to your in-laws.

Choose a Calm and Private Setting

When discussing boundaries with your in-laws, it is crucial to choose an appropriate setting. Make sure it is calm, private, and allows for an open conversation. This will create an atmosphere where both parties feel comfortable expressing their concerns and perspectives without distractions.

Express Your Feelings Respectfully

When talking to your in-laws about boundaries, it is important to approach the conversation with respect and empathy. Express your feelings honestly and assertively, focusing on using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when we have so many schedule changes during the holidays" instead of "You always disrupt our plans!".

Employ “Fair Fighting” Rules

If discussions with your in-laws historically turn into heated arguments, focus on using techniques to keep the conflict productive. One of the most useful fair fighting rules to abide by is to discuss one topic at a time. Don’t let “You come over unannounced” turn into “Last year you invited other people”. Once you introduce a new issue, the discussion gets off topic and can get heated, which means you are less likely to solve the original problem. Choose one topic and stick to it. 

Clearly State Boundaries

Take the time during the conversation to clearly and calmly outline the boundaries you and your partner have agreed upon. Gently explain why these boundaries are important for maintaining a healthy relationship and emphasizing the need for mutual respect. By clearly expressing your expectations, you help your in-laws understand and potentially modify their behavior.

Offer Solutions and Compromises

While it is essential to set firm boundaries, remember that compromises can be beneficial for maintaining peace within your extended family. Offer solutions that meet both your needs and the needs of your in-laws. For example, if they typically drop by unannounced, suggest scheduling specific visiting hours or arranging a family gathering to ensure quality time together.

Enforce Consequences if Necessary

If your in-laws constantly disregard your boundaries, you may need to enforce consequences. It can be challenging, but standing by your boundaries reinforces their importance and protects the sanctity of your relationship. Discuss with your partner, maintain unity, and implement consequences that are appropriate for the situation, such as limiting contact during the holidays.

Focus on Building a Positive Relationship
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While setting boundaries is crucial, it is also essential to nurture a positive relationship with your in-laws. Look for opportunities to create new traditions together, involve them in holiday planning, and show appreciation for their efforts. Maintaining a healthy, respectful relationship benefits not only you but also your spouse and the entire family.


Setting boundaries with in-laws can be challenging, particularly during the holiday season when emotions run high. However, prioritizing your relationship and marriage by establishing clear boundaries that command respect is an important part of maintaining a healthy environment for everyone. By approaching the situation with empathy, clear communication, and a focus on building positive relationships, you can navigate these challenges and create joyous, harmonious holiday memories for years to come.

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