The Calm Becomes the Storm: Why Your Emotions Create Chaos During Conflict

Blog by Danielle Culpepper, LPCC Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Written By: Danielle Culpepper, LPCC​

Do you ever find yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed during an argument? Even if the argument seems minor? What about feeling frustrated when your partner just can’t quite understand how you feel? Relationships are an intricate dance, and conflict is an inevitable partner. Whether it's a disagreement over finances, parenting styles, or simply differences in perspective, conflict can stir up intense emotions that challenge the very fabric of our connections. Conflicts can trigger a cascade of reactions within our nervous systems, leading to what we call nervous system dysregulation. Understanding this phenomenon and learning the art of self-soothing are indispensable tools in navigating conflict and fostering healthier relationships.

Nervous system dysregulation can be simply described as a state of heightened arousal. It may feel like your brain and body are out of sync. Heightened states of arousal such as anxiety, anger, or fear cause our bodies to enter into a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These states manifest in various ways—rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, muscle tension, and racing thoughts. Think of your brain as existing in two separate states– emotional, and logical. In this state of heightened arousal, our ability to think rationally and communicate effectively diminishes, making resolution seem impossible. To put it plainly, when our emotions are heightened to the point of overwhelm, all of those emotions flood the rational part of our brain and effectively shut it off.
So even though we may know how to resolve a conflict, that part of our brain is simply not working when we need it to.

One of the keys to resolving conflict lies in recognizing and addressing this nervous system dysregulation. It's akin to trying to repair a car engine while it's still revving at full throttle; it's simply not feasible. It is difficult to repair the whole thing when the parts aren’t working. Therefore, before even attempting to engage in conflict resolution with our partners, it's imperative to first soothe our own nervous systems.

Self-soothing is the practice of calming our bodies and minds in the midst of distress. It's about learning to regulate our emotions and physiological responses so that we can approach conflict from a place of clarity and compassion rather than reactivity.

Here are some strategies that I use with my couple therapy clients:

​1. Deep Breathing: Taking slow, deep breaths activates the parasympathetic nervous system, our body's natural relaxation response. Simply pausing to focus on our breath can help to calm the storm within.

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tension often builds up in our bodies during conflict. Progressive muscle relaxation involves systematically tensing and then releasing each muscle group, promoting physical relaxation and reducing overall stress levels.

3. Grounding Techniques: Engaging our senses can anchor us in the present moment and alleviate feelings of overwhelm. Using the 5 senses technique is a great method for quick and immediate grounding.

4. Mindfulness and Meditation: Cultivating mindfulness allows us to observe our
thoughts and emotions without judgment, creating space for greater self-awareness and emotional regulation. Even just a few minutes of meditation can make a significant difference in our ability to navigate conflict constructively.

5. Self-Compassion: Conflict can often trigger feelings of shame or inadequacy. Practicing self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, recognizing that it's normal to struggle and make mistakes.

These techniques are best employed immediately once you notice you are dysregulated. If you can catch yourself ahead of time, you have a greater opportunity to prevent further conflict. Try to avoid letting the cart get in front of the horse.

Once we've calmed our own nervous systems through self-soothing practices, we can then approach the conflict with a clearer perspective and a greater capacity for empathy. Rather than seeing our partners as adversaries, we're able to recognize their humanity and understand their perspectives more fully.

Effective communication is the cornerstone of resolving conflict, and self-soothing lays the groundwork for this communication to occur. When both partners are able to regulate their nervous systems and engage in dialogue from a place of calmness and understanding, conflicts become opportunities for growth and deeper connection rather than sources of strife.

Nervous system dysregulation is a common challenge in the midst of conflict, but it's one that can be navigated with intention and skill. By embracing the practice of self-soothing, we empower ourselves to approach conflict from a place of strength and compassion, paving the way for healthier, more resilient relationships. Conflict is not the enemy; it's how we engage with it that makes all the difference.