In honor of Father's Day I thought I would write something for my guys.
Long before college I knew I wanted to be a couples' therapist. I absolutely loved the idea of sitting in a room with two people who seemed so far away from one another and watching them get closer and closer. One of the most compelling reasons relationship counseling is my chosen specialty is because I noticed guys do not get to say much in their relationships. We know the old adage "happy wife, happy life" which is true, but what about happy husbands?
It seemed to me that many guys are expected to be the silent partner in relationships. In counseling couples I've noticed some wives are vocal about her needs and those needs are frequently the topic of discussion. Many husbands couldn't, or wouldn't, or just didn't voice their needs and wants as much. But why?
I spent many years searching for the answers only to find very few texts that helped me to understand men in general and a minuscule amount that explained men in relationships. So I made it my mission to find out how I could help the guys in the relationships I see. I wanted to help give them a voice too. After years of searching and practicing I found several things that needed to be addressed if we (spouses, partners, the mental health community, etc.) were going to be effective with men.
Keep a respectful tone
Men respond best to respectful words and tone. It seems so basic but many times we forget this. Most men's ears are very tuned into tone of voice and will make meaning of it almost instantly. Some struggle with hearing the message if the tone is not respectful. Tone can make or break a relationship.
Honor the way he sees the world
Most men did not grow up in environments in which their emotions were encouraged or even appreciated. They were told they were weak or out of control if they showed the wrong emotion. This may have helped to shape how he feels about emotions in general. Being in a relationship may be much harder than we give him credit for. He is supposed to love someone but may have been taught not show his feelings. What??!! No wonder he may choose to keep feelings completely out of the discussion. It helps to appreciate his efforts when he feels safe enough to share.
Allow him his dignity
Watching a spouse completely berate a man sends a cringe that moves from the bottom of my feet to the ends of my curls. Some relationships have lost so much dignity I swear I am watching a parent correct their child. We sometimes revert to our most unhealthy patterns while upset. Having a peaceful discussion about issues gives us the best odds on a positive outcome.
Men are amazing and complex. Keeping these points in mind may create a safe place where a man can share what he thinks and feels. I believe we could all have better relationships if we respect each person's individuality and need; and this includes the men in our lives.
To all of my men out there who are raising a child (biological or not) I wish you the best Father's Day!
I almost died. We almost died. It would have been all my fault.
Maybe I'm being dramatic. The point is: We were careening down a steep hill toward the murky depths of Deer Creek and I was totally out of control.
Here's what happened. My husband and I were away enjoying a romantic weekend getaway without our children. We had a room at the lodge with a view of the pool and plenty of time to enjoy one another's company. We could have peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I would have none of that. If you've read my blog about the REI trail you know I live for a little adventure and my adventures can turn into misadventures really quickly. If you haven't read it, you should; as it is nothing if not entertaining. Click here.
But I digress
It was a beautiful day in a idyllic setting so I suggested we go on a bike ride. I saw the resort rents tandem bikes and thought how romantic it would be to ride around the lake together. When I suggested it my husband gave me the side-eye and reluctantly agreed. I bounce off to the front desk to complete the paperwork while my loving husband unleashes the tandem bike from the bike rack. When I return he has it all set up and ready to go. I snapped the picture (above) and hop on the front seat because I wanted to drive. Although I didn't look back to see it, I now imagine my husband had a flash of anxiety across his face.
Off we go!
Very soon I realize that steering a tandem bicycle is not a strength of mine. I began to consider the idea that my husband's skills may be better suited for this job, but I didn't want him to take it from me. Honestly, I wanted to be in control. We did a test run around the parking lot and I started to feel a little more comfortable. I led to the path toward the water. This is the part where my husband starts telling me to slow down. I listened but the steep hill did not. Now, instead of slowing down we are quickly picking up speed.
Before I know it we are lurching down the hill toward the lake at (what seemed like) break-neck speed.
I shout "Honey, I can't slow it down!" To which he replied "Hit the brakes!" At this point several other couples are now watching and listening to this exchange.They are watching with faces that read a mix between horror and amusement. I then realize that I forgot to make note of the brakes, because they are not on the handlebars where they are supposed to be. I yell "where are the BRAKES!??!!" My husband patiently responds "Baby, peddle backward."
When I applied the brakes the tandem bicycle stopped. I jumped off as if the bicycle was on fire and quickly took the back seat. It all became quite funny to me and the lesson was apparent. I am so used to taking charge of everything and taking responsibility for everything it never occurred to me to share the responsibility with my husband. Much of my life is living on my own terms as a entrepreneur in my own private therapy practice. I forgot I have a very capable partner in life who is willing to shoulder some of the burden of life with me. I did not get married to do life by myself. It did not turn out better when I did it all myself and felt like I had full control. Many of the couples I see for counseling struggle with the same issue. Both partners are high achievers; in leadership or own their own businesses. They have power and control of their own lives and the lives of others. When it comes to their relationship they get locked in a power struggle and wonder why they feel like their relationship is hurtling down a hill toward a murky lake. My job is to help them learn that they can and should depend on another. We all have struggles and need to be reminded that we are not alone in life. We have a partner to "do life" with. It is OK to let your partner lead every once in a while.