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Deidre's Blog

 Deidre A. Prewitt, MFMFC, LPC
​Marriage and Family Counselor and Owner of Reconnecting Columbus, LLC in Columbus Ohio
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3 Ways To Help Your Relationship Survive The Holidays

11/18/2017

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The holiday season can be stressful on any relationship, much less one that is already struggling. We have to contend with colder temperatures, less daylight, and making great holiday memories. For some of us, even television commercials serve as a constant reminder that we must create a "perfect" holiday experience. Couples who already feel distant from one another may find it difficult to put effort into their relationship when so many other things are vying for their attention. The holiday season can be a time for connection and renewal; if we are purposeful about putting effort toward improving the relationship at home. I've put together a few suggestions that may help you and your partner get the best out of this holiday season.  


Choose Your Partner 
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With the holiday, many of us experience more time with extended family. This can be a positive experience for some; while many find this increased family togetherness very stressful. Knowing the challenges both you and your partner may face is very important to adequately plan for a positive experience. While planning events, plan for emotional first aid for both of you. If you know that your partner wrestles with depression when their hypercritical mother visits or seems to crumble under the weight of their father's disappointment, talk to your partner about it. Allow them to vent to you without dismissing or minimizing their experience. Allow yourself to see your partner's pain. Ask them what they need to get through this experience. Create an alliance and develop a strategy that will reduce the stress of the interaction.
Questioning why your partner allows this person to push their buttons may not help as much as understanding that this person pushes their buttons. 
Our families know exactly how to push our buttons because they are the ones who installed them. Many couples struggle with difficult family relationships because they do not realize that their bond is being tested. The "divide and conquer" strategy will succeed in pulling you apart if you are not prepared. Use the stressful events to bring you closer together and solidify the bond between you.  


Choose Your Battles

The stress of the holidays can dramatically increase the conflict in an already stressed relationship. Pay attention to one another. If your partner is particularly stressed before an event, this may not be the time to argue about finances. Your concerns are valid and should be addressed; at the appropriate time. If you are already hurting and lonely, arguing about the holiday menu may feel like salt in an open wound. Set aside calm time when you, your partner, and your relationship are in a good space before discussing potentially controversial topics. When you give yourself and your partner time to calm you may find that the topic is not as important as it seemed originally. This may require a cost/benefit analysis. Consider asking yourself a few questions before engaging in this way.
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Does the potential benefit of this conflict outweigh the cost of the conflict itself?
- Will this interaction ultimately 
bring us closer together or further apart? 
- Will this matter to us in a few weeks, months or years? 
 
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Choose Your Boundaries 

Many conflicts over the holidays begin when we do not have adequate boundaries. If one family member seems to want to remind you of your failures and make you feel bad; limit your interactions. If a particular event makes your stomach turn each time you attend, you may want to consider opting out. This is your holiday too. It may not be in your best interest to force yourself to interact with family members that put you or your spouse down. Know what is acceptable behavior to you and resist the urge to succumb to the pressure to make others happy. . If your family is toxic that does not mean that you have to let effect you. You have the option to choose to allow that toxicity into your relationship. Honestly, not having boundaries between your relationship and your family can prove to be detrimental. Many couples struggle because parents, friends, jobs, hobbies, or other things come before their relationship. The holiday season can be a welcome distraction from a struggling relationship but ignoring your challenges may be detrimental. Find time to feed your relationship so that it can emerge stronger when the holidays are over. What you feed will flourish, what you starve will suffer. Choose to create protective boundaries around your relationship to help it to survive.   
 
Holidays can bring on good and bad stress. Having difficult relationships with the ones you love can very easily make this time of year more difficult. Creating a secure base in your relationship can help to make this time a little easier. Your relationship can be the safe place you need to reduce the stress of the season, if you put the effort into it. Its like building a house. Houses can be great shelters from the elements, if it is built. Build your house and protect yourself from the rain. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter for more tips to help your relationship survive this holiday season. If you are in or near Columbus, Ohio and need help with your relationship C​lick Here.
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"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Is True; But What About Happy Husbands?

6/14/2017

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In honor of Father's Day I thought I would write something for my guys. 

Long before college I knew I wanted to be a couples' therapist. I absolutely loved the idea of sitting in a room with two people who seemed so far away from one another and watching them get closer and closer. One of the most compelling reasons relationship counseling is my chosen specialty is because I noticed guys do not get to say much in their relationships. We know the old adage "happy wife, happy life" which is true, but what about happy husbands?

It seemed to me that many guys are expected to be the silent partner in relationships. In counseling couples I've  noticed some wives are vocal about her needs and those needs are frequently the topic of discussion. Many husbands couldn't, or wouldn't, or just didn't voice their needs and wants as much. But why?

I spent many years searching for the answers only to find very few texts that helped me to understand men in general and a minuscule amount that explained men in relationships. So I made it  my mission to find out how I could help the guys in the relationships I see. I wanted to help give them a voice too. After years of searching and practicing I found several things that needed to be addressed if we (spouses, partners, the mental health community, etc.) were going to be effective with men. 

Keep a respectful tone

Men respond best to respectful words and tone. It seems so basic but many times we forget this. Most men's ears are very tuned into tone of voice and will make meaning of it almost instantly. Some struggle with hearing the message if the tone is not respectful. Tone can make or break a relationship. 

Honor the way he sees the world 

Most men did not grow up in environments in which their emotions were encouraged or even appreciated. They were told they were weak or out of control if they showed the wrong emotion. This may have helped to shape how he feels about emotions in general. Being in a relationship may be much harder than we give him credit for. He is supposed to love someone but may have been taught not show his feelings. What??!! No wonder he may choose to keep feelings completely out of the discussion. It helps to appreciate his efforts when he feels safe enough to share.

Allow him his dignity

Watching a spouse completely berate a man sends a cringe that moves from the bottom of my feet to the ends of my curls. Some relationships have lost so much dignity I swear I am watching a parent correct their child. We sometimes revert to our most unhealthy patterns while upset. Having a peaceful discussion about issues gives us the best odds on a positive outcome. 

Men are amazing and complex. Keeping these points in mind may create a safe place where a man can share what he thinks and feels. I believe we could all have better relationships if we respect each person's individuality and need; and this includes the men in our lives.

To all of my men out there who are raising a child (biological or not) I wish you the best Father's Day!
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Learning To Balance Power In Marriage: My Tandem Bike Experience

6/5/2017

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I almost died. We almost died. It would have been all my fault. 

Maybe I'm being dramatic. The point is: We were careening down a steep hill toward the murky depths of Deer Creek and I was totally out of control. 

Here's what happened. My husband and I were away enjoying a romantic weekend getaway without our children. We had a room at the lodge with a view of the pool and plenty of time to enjoy one another's company. We could have peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I would have none of that. If you've read my blog about the REI trail you know I live for a little adventure and my adventures can turn into misadventures really quickly. If you haven't read it, you should; as it is nothing if not entertaining. Click here.

But I digress

It was a beautiful day in a idyllic setting so I suggested we go on a bike ride. I saw the resort rents tandem bikes and thought how romantic it would be to ride around the lake together. When I suggested it my husband gave me the side-eye and reluctantly agreed. I bounce off to the front desk to complete the paperwork while my loving husband unleashes the tandem bike from the bike rack. When I return he has it all set up and ready to go. I snapped the picture (above) and hop on the front seat because I wanted to drive. Although I didn't look back to see it, I now imagine my husband had a flash of anxiety across his face. 

Off we go! 

Very soon I realize that steering a tandem bicycle is not a strength of mine. I began to consider the idea that my husband's skills may be better suited for this job, but I didn't want him to take it from me. Honestly, I wanted to be in control. We did a test run around the parking lot and I started to feel a little more comfortable. I led to the path toward the water. This is the part where my husband starts telling me to slow down. I listened but the steep hill did not. Now, instead of slowing down we are quickly picking up speed.

Before I know it we are lurching down the hill toward the lake at (what seemed like) break-neck speed.

I shout "Honey, I can't slow it down!" To which he replied "Hit the brakes!" At this point several other couples are now watching and listening to this exchange.They are watching with faces that read a mix between horror and amusement. I then realize that I forgot to make note of the brakes, because they are not on the handlebars where they are supposed to be. I yell "where are the BRAKES!??!!" My husband patiently responds "Baby, peddle backward."

Ohhhhhhh

When I applied the brakes the tandem bicycle stopped. I jumped off as if the bicycle was on fire and quickly took the back seat. It all became quite funny to me and the lesson was apparent. I am so used to taking charge of everything and taking responsibility for everything it never occurred to me to share the responsibility with my husband. Much of my life is living on my own terms as a entrepreneur in my own private therapy practice. I forgot I have a very capable partner in life who is willing to shoulder some of the burden of life with me. I did not get married to do life by myself. It did not turn out better when I did it all myself and felt like I had full control. Many of the couples I see for counseling struggle with the same issue. Both partners are high achievers; in leadership or own their own businesses. They have power and control of their own lives and the lives of others. When it comes to their relationship they get locked in a power struggle and wonder why they feel like their relationship is hurtling down a hill toward a murky lake. My job is to help them learn that they can and should depend on another. We all have struggles and need to be reminded that we are not alone in life. We have a partner to "do life" with. It is OK to let your partner lead every once in a while. 
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Q: How Would Taking Care Of Myself Help To Improve My Relationship? Part II- The Danger In Unmet Needs

5/17/2017

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In Part One I wrote about those of us  who lack self-care turning to their spouse to have all of their needs met. This time around I discuss what happens when you realize your partner cannot meet all of your needs and look for other ways to fill the void. When we ignore our own needs we feel empty and we look for other ways to fill the voids we experience. In providing affair recovery therapy I have found many unfaithful partners lacked adequate self-care. 

Most people think of self-care as simple behaviors like exercise or sleep. Yes, that is a part of it but that is not the whole picture. True caring for self is addressing all of our needs; including emotional, psychological, and relational needs Adequate self-care is really about finding the voids in your life and finding a healthy way to fill those voids. Many couples come to counseling and one or both expect their partner to fulfill every need they have. The unmet need for  love, attention, and affection is especially dangerous when you are in a relationship. Many affairs have started this way.  We need to matter to someone, feel important, and valued (self-esteem). Many affairs promise these needs will be fulfilled, but over time the void is rediscovered because this is an internal job. 

People who lack sufficient self-care are many times people-pleasers, martyrs, or self-sacrificing heroes/sheroes. They may tell themselves it is wrong to spend time and energy on themselves. Their do not see their own needs or create boundaries that support their well-being. These folks with these invisible needs may search their whole life looking for something to fill that need. That "something" could be abusing substances, busying themselves with children, becoming a workaholic, or taking on a lover. At any rate, the primary love relationship suffers because this partner is no longer completely invested in the relationship. The "something" has taken their partner's place as the most important thing to them. 
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If someone is able to recognize the deficits in their life, and incorporate adequate self-care to reduce the deficit, the relationship is more likely to survive. One would need to find wholeness and feel complete in themselves to combat the temptation of the quick fix the "somethings" promise. Beginning and maintaining sufficient self-care can create a beautiful relationship of two whole, healthy people. 
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Q: How Would Taking Care OF Myself Help To Improve My Relationship?

5/17/2017

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Well, I'm glad you asked. If you are reading this you may need to be convinced or need help convincing someone else that taking care of yourself is necessary to have a healthy relationship. Taking care of yourself is relationship enhancement and will help to prevent its destruction. 

Your favorite airline makes sure you hear the words "put the oxygen mask on yourself first". Why? Because you cannot save anyone else if you perish.
The same principle can be applied for relationships. If you always put others' needs ahead of your own, you may destroy the very person they depend on.....you.

As a marriage/couple counselor I see many relationships in distress because one partner has taken on the self-sacrificing hero/heroine role and resents their partner for not doing the same. Over time many couples find they are building resentment and anger that has all but destroyed the relationship. One partner experiences the demand for love and attention are far too high. The other (the martyr/hero/heroine) feels their  needs are never adequately met. The second partner desperately attempts to hold on tighter while the first partner feels suffocated. 

Ok, but if I'm focusing on me won't my marriage suffer?

​No, not if you are responsible about it and your life is in balance. I f you are constantly running on empty you may look to your spouse to fill all of your empty buckets that you have neglected.  As an example, if you are not taking care of yourself emotionally you may learn to depend on your spouse to manage your emotions for you. You may find yourself saying something like "I am not fulfilled in this relationship". Looking for complete fulfillment outside of self is dangerous. You have everything you need to be happy and healthy already inside you. A healthy relationship is a complement to your life not completion of it. Neglecting yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and/or psychologically could make you take more from your partner than they have or are willing to give. 

The truth is: one must find balance in life. Maintaining health in all aspects of life allows you to be a whole person where you can give freely and fully. A person lacking in self-care can drain a relationship and leave both partners drained. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to address your own needs before you can begin to address needs of others. 


If you are ready to begin the journey to well-being and want to join us (online or in-person) in the next self-care group click here to learn more about the groups starting in mid-October.

If you realize your relationship is struggling and want to learn more about the specialized relationship counseling I provide in Columbus, Ohio click here.

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Building A Business Without Destroying Your Marriage

4/18/2017

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Becoming an entrepreneur is difficult. Someone who chooses this path is one who is not happy coasting through life. You have dreams and the traditional "9-5" just won't cut it. You have to make things happen for yourself, instead of waiting for someone else to do it. In embarking upon your adventures in self-employment many will provide advice; some good, some bad. Sure, you can find a wealth of information about how to start and maintain a successful business. One thing that is rarely discussed: the effect all of this has on your marriage. 

Many of my client couples are creating successful business only to find their marriage is in shambles. With the long hours, late nights, travel, and all of the things needed to grow it can become all encompassing. Starting and maintaining a successful business is hard; here are some ways you can salvage your relationship in the process.


Get Buy In

As a business owner you understand that you are your brand. You have to create value in your products or services to continually grow. Your business will never grow if you are not invested in it. The same is true of your spouse. It will be very difficult to grow your business if your spouse is against it. Try to get your spouse bought in to the process. Can you involve them in your triumphs and failures? Can you leave room for them to support you emotionally? Even if you are in business by yourself, you are not alone. The two of you are a team and will continue to be. Allowing your partner into your world may give them a sense of ownership and motivation to support you. Let them. 

Realize Its Your Passion 

Many who are self-employed felt compelled to do so and the status-quo was not an option. Realizing that your spouse may not have the same resolve is key. Although you are a team and having them bought-in is wonderful; they may not share your enthusiasm. Check your expectations. You can delight in their excitement and participation but they may never understand your drive. Respect who they are and where they are in their own professional journey and adjust your expectations accordingly. This is an opportunity for you to grow together as you both work toward your goals and an opportunity to dive into your passion. At the same time, share their passions with them too. Support should always be reciprocal. 

Share Your Effort

Building a business can be an all-encompassing effort. Wearing so many hats everyday is exhausting. Particularly if you are performing this Herculean tasks alone, each day can be more exhausting than the one before. In all of this you still need to pour into your relationship. What you feed will thrive, but unfortunately, what you starve will die. If you wait until "tomorrow" to work on your marriage there is a good chance there may not be a marriage to work on. Make sure you set aside time to feed your marriage. It would be a shame to build this awesome future and spend it alone. 

When I took the awesome leap out on my own and started Reconnecting Columbus I had no idea how hard it would be to juggle home and a growing practice/business. Over time I noticed that most entrepreneurs were struggling with the same balance.  Many clients were coming to me for the same issues I used to struggle with. Being aware of the threat of growing apart is necessary for your relationship's survival. Take time and work on your relationship with the same vigor that you have for your business so that both can thrive. You deserve an incredible future personally AND professionally. 



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It's Not You, It's Your Mother

4/3/2017

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PictureNeed Help? Click the image above.
Feel like you are in a tug-of-war for your lover's heart?

One of the biggest challenges couples face is the 
over-involvement of family members in the committed relationship. The trouble comes when a relationship with family members is unhealthy and creates discord between lovers. Many couples come into therapy wanting to work on the relationship between them but neglect to invite one key participant, this third person. For readability I will use the term "parent" although this post can apply to parents, children, friends, or anyone. In some relationships parents have become much like an emotional affair partner (I know scary right?). They receive  more than their share of time, energy, and sometimes even finances. This becomes a problem in relationships when the other partner feels left out. If parent and partner are at odds, many committed relationships will struggle to survive. As you struggle with the relationship between your partner and their parent here are some key points to consider.  
 
This Is Not A Competition…If You Do Not Compete

Contrary to what it may feel like, you are not in direct competition with your partner's parent.  Competition suggests willful opposition; yet you didn't sign up for this match. As well-meaning as they are some parents feel threatened by their child's love interest. This is their issue, not yours. Take the moral high-ground and avoid competing. If your partner values the relationship they will be open to hearing your concerns and making appropriate adjustments. This is easier when you are not creating more strife by being at odds with their parent. If you engage with the parent in competition you will lose footing and potentially your partner's ear. Rise above it. 
 
Parents Are Teachers

Many over-involved parents have difficulty with their own romantic relationships, leaving them time and energy to put into yours. What you may feel is inappropriate or destructive may be normal for that parent and perhaps even your partner. Take a step back and assess the situation. Does this family have a history of healthy loving relationships? If the answer is no, be prepared to begin the hard work of defining the boundaries of your relationship. People can change if they are willing and internally motivated to do so, they will not change simply because you want them to. Working with your partner to create a healthy relationship will bond the two of you together and perhaps salvage the relationship with their parent. 
 
 
The Ultimatum- Them or Me 

Many partners  feel they are left with no choice but to issue the ultimatum; your parent or me. This is a risky move. Your partner could be so intertwined with their parent that they are willing to lose you. This could be a very painful realization for you. You could find that you are the choice, but now resentment takes up the space the parent once occupied.  The probability that you experience the outcome you are looking for is slim. This option requires a cost/benefit analysis are you willing to gamble the relationship to win this fight? 
 
At any rate, there is no easy answer to this problem. Talk to your partner calmly, out of love and respect for them and the relationships. Ask for what you need and want without letting anger rule the conversation. Believe that your partner has your best interests at heart and hear them out too. If all else fails enlist a trusted friend, advisor, or qualified relationship counselor that can be objective and is not afraid to call you out on your blind spots. A great relationship is possible, if you are willing to put in the work.  

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Do I Have To Lose My Identity To Make My Relationship Work?

10/11/2016

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So many couples look for the "right" way to think and act to ensure the health of their relationship. Some may read the most popular relationship enhancing, self-help books. Others watch successful couples to (hopefully) unlock the answers to making a marriage work. We look for the answers outside of ourselves, believing that we do not have all we need to make a relationship work. The truth is: the answer has been hiding inside the two of you all along.  
A relationship that works is a place where both people can be their true selves and be accepted by one another for their uniqueness. This does not mean the relationship is a fairy tale all of the time. It simply means at the end of the day both partners know that they want to be together and that there is nothing they cannot work through; as long as they do it together. 
 

Partners Complement, Not Complete or Compete 
In a successful relationship the partners are great complements to one another. One may bring fun spontaneity while the other brings structure and security. One partner may spend more while the other saves. The key is that each partner loves and respects the differences in the other. They have come to terms with the differences and understand the need for the complement to balance the life they share. A relationship that will withstand decades of challenges is one that has two complete people. The challenge is to be complete in the relationship and still understand that you need to depend on one another. Some couples struggle with competition, putting themselves above their partner because of one trait or another. Again, respect for your partner's differences will bring you together while putting your character traits above your partner's will slowly pull the two of you apart.  

Finding Your Voice 
"If we learn to fight fair we would be happy". This is not entirely true. Yes, it is important to speak in a way that you can be most effective, but your message is still important. So many couples come to counseling because one partner has lost their voice. They struggle to say what they need or want. If you do not say what you need how can you expect the other person to know? Successful couples realize that neither of the two are mind-readers. Your wishes, needs, and boundaries need to be vocalized. Speak up! 


A real, intimate, mature relationship is one in which two very different people can love and respect one another. We all come from different experiences that make us all unique. Couples sometimes struggle to remember that the characteristics and behaviors that irritate you now are the same ones that attracted you in the first place. Trying to change your partner or change yourself into someone else not will not save your relationship. Love is flexible. Bend, stretch, and create the love you want without bending yourself all out of shape.  

 
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Can You Leave Your Partner In The Woods?

6/1/2016

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     Recently, my husband and I decided we would visit a new park in the area. We looked at the map and in my wisdom I suggested the trail that followed the river. I thought it would be scenic and romantic among the tranquility of the water. What I failed to realize was the trail was a "REI" trail. In all of our idealistic planning we didn't even notice the sign that clearly warned us that this was not a normal trail. Had we been paying attention we may have noticed the sign with the hikers and boots on a steep incline. We may have also noticed the abundance of mud squishing under our mesh sneakers. Nope! We were looking for romance and adventure, but aren't we all?
      The beginning of the trail was deceptively serene, just like I imagined. We remarked on the beauty of the foliage around us. We enjoyed the fragrant blooms of the late spring flowers and felt the warmth of the sun on our faces. Ahhhhh, bliss!
      Then the terrain became more difficult. The well paved road before us became a small, very narrow, grass-lined path. Hills became steeper, the ground muddier, and the trees more dense. Crap! What have I gotten us into THIS TIME??!!  This got me thinking about relationships. We start with a rosy idea of what our future together looks like, then when it gets difficult, many of us what to turn back. In line with his normal calm, cool, demeanor, my loving husband remained silent. He just kept walking. We could have turned back but that is not really our style. We meet challenges head on, sometimes despite conventional wisdom. We ended up walking single-file the rest of the 2.5 miles in mostly silence. I periodically checked in with my husband because I wanted to share this experience with him. Yes, we were concerned about our physical safety, but neither of us were concerned about the safety of our connection. We chose to walk single file for physical safety, knowing our relationship was safe.. 
     We made it out fine; muddy, tired, hungry...but just fine.. The experience reminded me of how many couples respond in times of stress. This is the time when I find out who they really are as a couple. In many couples one partner can forge ahead, sometimes with reckless abandon, knowing their partner is there to "catch" them if they get into trouble. These couples know they have a secure homebase. This leaves them free to explore the world and follow their dreams. 
     Some partners are so fearful in the relationship they are are paralyzed by the fear. This prevents them from letting go of the other's hand, fearing their partner will abandon them as soon as they turn their back. This partner lives in terror and needs constant reassurance that their partner is invested in the relationship. This wears on the other partner over time. The other partner becomes disinterested in the constant reassurance and may withdraw; physically, emotionally, or both. In the example of our walk in the woods one partner or both is clenching the hand of their beloved. The hand holding seems like a kind, innocent gesture. At closer look we realize that that clench is fear gripping them and not allowing them to enjoy and learn from the experience as an individual. This clench puts both partners at risk. If one goes down it is likely the other is not far behind. It also shows us that neither partner can safely lead and expect the other to follow. 
     In other couples one (or both) partners find the need for reassurance but find they allow their pride to prevent them from needing or expecting it. They do not forge ahead in the safety of knowing their partner is a safe, yet comforting distance behind. They tell themselves "I'm on my own" and continue on without their beloved. These partners seem cold and emotionless, but that is far from the truth. They have internalized the thought that they cannot count on anyone for support. They push their partner away when they so desperately want their love to find them behind their huge walls of protection. 

Couples ask the question "will you be there when I need you?"

The first couple will answer with a resounding "YES"! Even when the answer is "no" the general assumption is that their love will be there if it is possible in any way. 

The second couple answers with a firm "no". This may be in spite of what is true in their relationship. 

The third couple may answer yes or no, and resolve to the idea "but I don't need them anyway". 

Couples who come to counseling may not know that they are the second or third couple. They usually have a firm understanding they are not the first couple, although they want to be. Relationship counseling is not always about preventing break-up. As a relationship counselor I am simply a tour guide on this trail, helping couples navigate the terrain a little better. 
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