In honor of Father's Day I thought I would write something for my guys.
Long before college I knew I wanted to be a couples' therapist. I absolutely loved the idea of sitting in a room with two people who seemed so far away from one another and watching them get closer and closer. One of the most compelling reasons relationship counseling is my chosen specialty is because I noticed guys do not get to say much in their relationships. We know the old adage "happy wife, happy life" which is true, but what about happy husbands?
It seemed to me that many guys are expected to be the silent partner in relationships. In counseling couples I've noticed some wives are vocal about her needs and those needs are frequently the topic of discussion. Many husbands couldn't, or wouldn't, or just didn't voice their needs and wants as much. But why?
I spent many years searching for the answers only to find very few texts that helped me to understand men in general and a minuscule amount that explained men in relationships. So I made it my mission to find out how I could help the guys in the relationships I see. I wanted to help give them a voice too. After years of searching and practicing I found several things that needed to be addressed if we (spouses, partners, the mental health community, etc.) were going to be effective with men.
Keep a respectful tone
Men respond best to respectful words and tone. It seems so basic but many times we forget this. Most men's ears are very tuned into tone of voice and will make meaning of it almost instantly. Some struggle with hearing the message if the tone is not respectful. Tone can make or break a relationship.
Honor the way he sees the world
Most men did not grow up in environments in which their emotions were encouraged or even appreciated. They were told they were weak or out of control if they showed the wrong emotion. This may have helped to shape how he feels about emotions in general. Being in a relationship may be much harder than we give him credit for. He is supposed to love someone but may have been taught not show his feelings. What??!! No wonder he may choose to keep feelings completely out of the discussion. It helps to appreciate his efforts when he feels safe enough to share.
Allow him his dignity
Watching a spouse completely berate a man sends a cringe that moves from the bottom of my feet to the ends of my curls. Some relationships have lost so much dignity I swear I am watching a parent correct their child. We sometimes revert to our most unhealthy patterns while upset. Having a peaceful discussion about issues gives us the best odds on a positive outcome.
Men are amazing and complex. Keeping these points in mind may create a safe place where a man can share what he thinks and feels. I believe we could all have better relationships if we respect each person's individuality and need; and this includes the men in our lives.
To all of my men out there who are raising a child (biological or not) I wish you the best Father's Day!