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Deidre's Blog

 Deidre A. Prewitt, MFMFC, LPC
​Marriage and Family Counselor and Owner of Reconnecting Columbus, LLC in Columbus Ohio
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500 Fights: How Conflict Can Help Your Relationship Heal From Infidelity.

9/2/2019

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Written By: Deidre Prewitt, MSMFC, LPC 


One of the hardest things for couples who are trying to recover from infidelity understand is the need for conflict in order to heal. Many couples take the constant conflict as a sign that they are not doing well or have “unhealthy” patterns. This could be the case, but the presence of conflict does not signal a problem in recovery. In most cases, the lack of communication is one of the ways infidelity made its way into the relationship. Resentment breeds in the silence of a hurt and angry partner. Infidelity inhabits the relationship shrouded in that resentment. This resentment can morph into the justification and disconnection that can lead to an affair. The presence of conflict in affair recovery signals that this pattern has been disrupted. It may seem counter-intuitive but, many couples say they have the most honest conversations in the weeks and months that follow the discovery of the affair.  


In my practice I equip couples and other clinicians with the knowledge that conflict is necessary for infidelity recovery. There are several ways a couple can use conflict to promote the healing they need to heal from the devastation of betrayal. My choice for the number 500 is arbitrary for the most part. I selected this number to make the point that it takes considerable effort from both the hurt and involved parties to heal after infidelity. If you want your relationship to heal from the breech, you will both have to work for it. I also think the number 500 speaks to the perseverance it takes to come back from the brink of ending a relationship. Honestly, no one (including the partners themselves) know how long it will take to repair. I assure you, whatever the number is, it is possible if BOTH partners are willing to put in the work it takes.  
 
Not Just Any Conflict Will Do 


The “fight” is not just any argument. It is not without purpose or resolution. The “fight” I am referring to has distinct components that will heal more than hurt the bond in a relationship. Most fights start with the hurt partner being triggered by some thought, event, or feelings. They experience some distress and seek to rectify it. In a couple working toward healing, the hurt partner learns to share their feelings with their partner. They learn to reach out instead of feeding their own internal hurt, anger, and resentment. Their partner learns that (while difficult and sometimes hurtful) this is a sign their hurt partner wants to move toward feeling better and hopefully reconciliation. The reaching out may not seem positive. It may come wrapped in rage, sadness, or grief. The unfaithful partner can choose to interpret this engagement as a reach for them and respond in a way that promotes healing the hurt. The unfaithful partner can respond with empathy, compassion, and love. This response does several things. It shows the hurt partner that their feelings are valid (because they are, perhaps its their approach that is ineffective), the unfaithful partner is showing remorse, and the hurt partner is cared for. These messages help to calm the overtly negative reactions in the future. From this “call and response” a new communication pattern emerges. The couple learns to tolerate emotions they once perceive as negative and use that energy to heal the breach between them.  
 
1 Down, 499 To Go 
When I am involved as the therapist in the healing of infidelity, I help couples to recognize when the opportunity to move closer to one another has presented itself. The first few fights are often extremely difficult to identify as opportunities and even more difficult to navigate. Inevitably, the unfaithful spouse will feel attacked and doubt that anything will calm their hurt partner. I work very hard to create a safe place where both partners are able to engage in the conflict and I guide them in communicating their emotions and feelings in a way that helps the relationship. Many couples can find this delicate dance without therapeutic intervention, the intervention simply helps them along. Once they are able to successful complete this call and response, I encourage them by announcing they have one more fight under their belt and they are getting closer.  Being successful in these fights also creates the safety and security the unfaithful partner needs to vocalize their own emotions. It is absolutely necessary for an unfaithful spouse to be able to express their emotions if the couple ever wants to repair after infidelity. An unfaithful spouse needs to feel safe to vocalize their own hurt, sadness, and even anger if the couple hopes to extinguish the resentment that can feed infidelity.  
 
Bringing It All together, But Not Yet 
The 500 fights can be very effective in accelerating the process of infidelity recovery. I often tell couples that their “number” may be considerably less or more than 500, but they will have to engage in the fights if they wish to heal. Each component is a building block, must be learned in order, and necessary to be effective. If the hurt partner doesn’t feel safe to share their emotions and be validated, they will not be able to do offer this act of love to the unfaithful partner.  
In many relationships one or both partners assume they already have this skill, until infidelity is discovered. Discovery is a very hard way to learn that the bond in a relationship was a façade. The process of infidelity recovery is often an exploration of what is real in a relationship. The perfect couple learns they are not so perfect and they are going to have to destroy the illusion. The couple is forced to look inside themselves, look at the not-so-great parts of themselves and their partner, and then decide if they want to build a new relationship on sometimes really ugly truths.  



Infidelity discovery is a painful, sad, and sometimes even freeing experience. The process can be healing, bonding, hurtful, and just plain hard. Many of my couples say their marriage is stronger after the process, even if they regret what it took to earn that strength. The feelings and experiences are life-altering and traumatic; so, it makes sense that couples would want to hurry to get to the end. Unfortunately, there is no easy button to healing. Hurrying the process means that the healing is only happening on the surface and is not penetrating the foundation of the relationship. Invest the time, energy, resources, and emotion to make sure you heal correctly so that you are not forced to repeat the process later. Take the time it takes, fight your 500 fights, and rebuild your love for one another. It is hard work, but it is certainly worth it!  

Photo by 
Anthony Tran on Unsplash
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"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Is True; But What About Happy Husbands?

6/14/2017

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In honor of Father's Day I thought I would write something for my guys. 

Long before college I knew I wanted to be a couples' therapist. I absolutely loved the idea of sitting in a room with two people who seemed so far away from one another and watching them get closer and closer. One of the most compelling reasons relationship counseling is my chosen specialty is because I noticed guys do not get to say much in their relationships. We know the old adage "happy wife, happy life" which is true, but what about happy husbands?

It seemed to me that many guys are expected to be the silent partner in relationships. In counseling couples I've  noticed some wives are vocal about her needs and those needs are frequently the topic of discussion. Many husbands couldn't, or wouldn't, or just didn't voice their needs and wants as much. But why?

I spent many years searching for the answers only to find very few texts that helped me to understand men in general and a minuscule amount that explained men in relationships. So I made it  my mission to find out how I could help the guys in the relationships I see. I wanted to help give them a voice too. After years of searching and practicing I found several things that needed to be addressed if we (spouses, partners, the mental health community, etc.) were going to be effective with men. 

Keep a respectful tone

Men respond best to respectful words and tone. It seems so basic but many times we forget this. Most men's ears are very tuned into tone of voice and will make meaning of it almost instantly. Some struggle with hearing the message if the tone is not respectful. Tone can make or break a relationship. 

Honor the way he sees the world 

Most men did not grow up in environments in which their emotions were encouraged or even appreciated. They were told they were weak or out of control if they showed the wrong emotion. This may have helped to shape how he feels about emotions in general. Being in a relationship may be much harder than we give him credit for. He is supposed to love someone but may have been taught not show his feelings. What??!! No wonder he may choose to keep feelings completely out of the discussion. It helps to appreciate his efforts when he feels safe enough to share.

Allow him his dignity

Watching a spouse completely berate a man sends a cringe that moves from the bottom of my feet to the ends of my curls. Some relationships have lost so much dignity I swear I am watching a parent correct their child. We sometimes revert to our most unhealthy patterns while upset. Having a peaceful discussion about issues gives us the best odds on a positive outcome. 

Men are amazing and complex. Keeping these points in mind may create a safe place where a man can share what he thinks and feels. I believe we could all have better relationships if we respect each person's individuality and need; and this includes the men in our lives.

To all of my men out there who are raising a child (biological or not) I wish you the best Father's Day!
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Building A Business Without Destroying Your Marriage

4/18/2017

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Becoming an entrepreneur is difficult. Someone who chooses this path is one who is not happy coasting through life. You have dreams and the traditional "9-5" just won't cut it. You have to make things happen for yourself, instead of waiting for someone else to do it. In embarking upon your adventures in self-employment many will provide advice; some good, some bad. Sure, you can find a wealth of information about how to start and maintain a successful business. One thing that is rarely discussed: the effect all of this has on your marriage. 

Many of my client couples are creating successful business only to find their marriage is in shambles. With the long hours, late nights, travel, and all of the things needed to grow it can become all encompassing. Starting and maintaining a successful business is hard; here are some ways you can salvage your relationship in the process.


Get Buy In

As a business owner you understand that you are your brand. You have to create value in your products or services to continually grow. Your business will never grow if you are not invested in it. The same is true of your spouse. It will be very difficult to grow your business if your spouse is against it. Try to get your spouse bought in to the process. Can you involve them in your triumphs and failures? Can you leave room for them to support you emotionally? Even if you are in business by yourself, you are not alone. The two of you are a team and will continue to be. Allowing your partner into your world may give them a sense of ownership and motivation to support you. Let them. 

Realize Its Your Passion 

Many who are self-employed felt compelled to do so and the status-quo was not an option. Realizing that your spouse may not have the same resolve is key. Although you are a team and having them bought-in is wonderful; they may not share your enthusiasm. Check your expectations. You can delight in their excitement and participation but they may never understand your drive. Respect who they are and where they are in their own professional journey and adjust your expectations accordingly. This is an opportunity for you to grow together as you both work toward your goals and an opportunity to dive into your passion. At the same time, share their passions with them too. Support should always be reciprocal. 

Share Your Effort

Building a business can be an all-encompassing effort. Wearing so many hats everyday is exhausting. Particularly if you are performing this Herculean tasks alone, each day can be more exhausting than the one before. In all of this you still need to pour into your relationship. What you feed will thrive, but unfortunately, what you starve will die. If you wait until "tomorrow" to work on your marriage there is a good chance there may not be a marriage to work on. Make sure you set aside time to feed your marriage. It would be a shame to build this awesome future and spend it alone. 

When I took the awesome leap out on my own and started Reconnecting Columbus I had no idea how hard it would be to juggle home and a growing practice/business. Over time I noticed that most entrepreneurs were struggling with the same balance.  Many clients were coming to me for the same issues I used to struggle with. Being aware of the threat of growing apart is necessary for your relationship's survival. Take time and work on your relationship with the same vigor that you have for your business so that both can thrive. You deserve an incredible future personally AND professionally. 



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Need More Intimacy In Your Relationship? Here Are 3 Ways To Touch Your Partner To Ignite the Spark

8/27/2016

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Many times couples find it difficult to be intimate in their relationship. Between work, kids, family, and other activities, there is not much time energy left for love.  Here are 3 things you can do today to rekindle the spark you are missing. 
 
Touch Her
 
Touch Her Heart- That is right, we are talking about romance. You MUST continue to pursue your partner. This means doing the things you did when the relationship was still new. Do you still tell your love that certain love songs remind you of her? Do you still bring home little gifts or cards to let her know you are thinking of her. I am sure over time you have learned a thing or two that makes her heart melt. This is your way back to her heart. If you have forgotten, this is the time to relearn. If you ask earnestly her to share her heart, she is more likely to share her body.  
 
Touch Her Mind- When is the last time you asked her opinion or had an adult discussion? Are your conversations centered around work, kids or complaints? These types of conversations are mood-killers. Try having a conversation about her dreams. What about her fears? Do you know what makes her "tick"? The answers may surprise you and will build toward the emotional intimacy she craves. A woman who feels emotionally intimate is far more likely to be physically intimate.  
 
Touch Her To-Do List- In many cases women who feel overwhelmed by the demands of life experience a drastic reduction in sexual arousal. If her plate is full with life, she will struggle to find the energy to be the goddess you want in the bedroom. Do you and her a favor; help her with her to-do list. This tells her that she is not alone and that the two of you are a team. Many women refuse sex because they do not feel supported in other aspects of life. This does not mean that you vacuum once and hop in the sack. This is a change in her perception of the relationship over time. Sometimes it takes a whole season before a group of players become a team.  
 
Touch Him
 
Touch His Ego- In my experience working with couples who are recovering from affairs I found many men  who go outside of their relationship for the same reason. It is usually not about their partner or even sex really. It is about the ego boost in being desired by someone else. Many men cheat because they find someone who respects them and esteems them. Do you esteem your husband? If not, the issues are deeper than can be addressed in this blog; but if so, tell him! This ego boost will do wonders for his sex drive and being available to you. Men who feel respected by their partners are more open to doing what it takes to keep the love of their life happy.  
 
Touch His Playful Spirit- Being in love is supposed to be fun. A key indicator for the health of a relationship is how well the couple plays together. Can you truly enjoy one another's company? A friendly game of Monopoly or chess may remind you why you wanted to spend all of your time together in the first place. Playing basketball or going to an arcade may rekindle the enjoyment you found in the beginning of your relationship. Find time to be carefree and let him see the girl he married fell in love with is still in there somewhere.  
 
Touch His Body- This post would not be complete without suggesting an actual, physical touch. Skin-to-skin contact does wonders for intimacy of all kinds. Non-sexual touch is beneficial for both partners as it is the link to the friendship in the relationship. If done right it will release the Oxytocin in the brain that is used for bonding. Knowing what kind of touch he likes is crucial. When was the last time you asked him? 
 
Intimacy is about allowing being open to allowing another person to see the real you and feeling safe enough to trust them with who you really are. It takes many forms; physical, emotional, spiritual etc. Many times couples come to counseling because their relationship is starving for attention. These suggestions may not help all couples, but all relationships need attention. What you invest your time, energy, and resources in will thrive; what you neglect will perish. What are you investing in? 
 

If you would like to learn more feel free to contact me at deidre@reconnectingcolumbus.com  
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    Deidre A. Prewitt, MSFMFC, LPCC

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