I'm usually not a fan of Jay Z's music; however I was intrigued when the articles about 4:44 flooded my timeline. I had to check it out. What I found was the most honest, emotional, vulnerable Hip Hop track I've heard in a very long time. The lyrics reminded me of all of the partners who found themselves drowning in guilt and despair after their affair. As it is a response to his wife Beyonce's Lemonade album, I noticed it also parallels many of the "power couples" I meet in my counseling office, grasping to hold together the pieces of their own marriages after infidelity.
What was most striking was his very public, very personal apology. He didn't try to hide behind excuses, he took responsibility without being defensive. As a Marriage Counselor who specializes in affair recovery I applaud his effort. He gets it. A couple will never recover without the heartfelt, vulnerable, emotional apology.
I apologize. Our love was one for the ages and I contained us in all this rachet s***. We are more expansive now. Meant to cry and die alone in these mansions or sleep with our back turned. We're supposed to vacate till our backs burn. We're supposed to laugh till our hearts stops and then meet in the space where the dark stops and let love light the way.- Jay Z's 4:44
There are so many themes in these lyrics that mirror the themes I see in my therapy office. Two people who are on the top of the world being crushed by the hurt that was created between them. People assume they have a perfect life because of what can be seen from the outside. This is a relationship where both powerful and successful in their own rights, yet struggling with the pain of a crumbling marriage behind closed doors. Many people say they would leave if they ever encountered an affair. Some do because many times it is easier than sorting through the emotional wreckage. But, some brave souls who love each other and want desperately to preserve the love they had and their dreams for their future roll up their sleeves and do the hard work that it takes to save their marriages.
My client couples amaze me with their unwavering hard work and dedication to their careers. They are business people, CEOs, entrepreneurs, professionals, and politicians. They build awesome careers and are usually pillars of the community. They come in broken, hurting, and exhausted. Something incredible happens when they learn to channel the characteristics that made them successful into rebuilding their relationship. They find that they are able to thrive in their career and their relationships.
Jay Z and Beyonce's struggles are not unique to them. The feelings of disconnect, hurt, sadness, grief, guilt, and shame are all part of the experience of infidelity. The therapy comes from the journey back to healing. This journey begins with a very real, very open, very emotionally raw apology. The marriage that is built from the wreckage promises to be stronger than the original. I'm glad they were both brave enough to share this with the world through their music. Hopefully others will be inspired to do the hard work of recovering after infidelity as well.