Couples fight. Some couples seem to have mastered the art of fighting. You may be surprised that couples fight in session. They say terrible things to and about one another. They say almost anything to get a reaction from the other. Webster defines "communication" as "the imparting or exchanging of information or news". Most couples do a great job of imparting contempt or venomous insults at one another.
Partners are taught tools like:
1. Use "I" statements
2. Convey your point non-verbally as well
3. Use simple concise language
4. Use repetition
5. Avoid blame
Great tools right? Not really. With distressed couples this may turn into something like this:
Her: I feel that you are an idiot. I should file for a divorce because I am married to an idiot (enter eye roll)
Him: I am an idiot. I married you (pointing).
Effective relationship counseling realizes giving tools partners can use to destroy one another is not an option. A better option is allowing the partners to experience one another differently. If partners can get to the heart of the why they are fighting, the fight changes drastically. Fights become rituals of connection, one way to promote healing, a way to work through issues, and a catalyst for great adventures in making up. There is a music to the dance of the conflict cycle; teaching the rules for communication are NOT the melody that reconnects people.