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Deidre's Blog

 Deidre A. Prewitt, MFMFC, LPC
​Marriage and Family Counselor and Owner of Reconnecting Columbus, LLC in Columbus Ohio
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"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Is True; But What About Happy Husbands?

6/14/2017

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In honor of Father's Day I thought I would write something for my guys. 

Long before college I knew I wanted to be a couples' therapist. I absolutely loved the idea of sitting in a room with two people who seemed so far away from one another and watching them get closer and closer. One of the most compelling reasons relationship counseling is my chosen specialty is because I noticed guys do not get to say much in their relationships. We know the old adage "happy wife, happy life" which is true, but what about happy husbands?

It seemed to me that many guys are expected to be the silent partner in relationships. In counseling couples I've  noticed some wives are vocal about her needs and those needs are frequently the topic of discussion. Many husbands couldn't, or wouldn't, or just didn't voice their needs and wants as much. But why?

I spent many years searching for the answers only to find very few texts that helped me to understand men in general and a minuscule amount that explained men in relationships. So I made it  my mission to find out how I could help the guys in the relationships I see. I wanted to help give them a voice too. After years of searching and practicing I found several things that needed to be addressed if we (spouses, partners, the mental health community, etc.) were going to be effective with men. 

Keep a respectful tone

Men respond best to respectful words and tone. It seems so basic but many times we forget this. Most men's ears are very tuned into tone of voice and will make meaning of it almost instantly. Some struggle with hearing the message if the tone is not respectful. Tone can make or break a relationship. 

Honor the way he sees the world 

Most men did not grow up in environments in which their emotions were encouraged or even appreciated. They were told they were weak or out of control if they showed the wrong emotion. This may have helped to shape how he feels about emotions in general. Being in a relationship may be much harder than we give him credit for. He is supposed to love someone but may have been taught not show his feelings. What??!! No wonder he may choose to keep feelings completely out of the discussion. It helps to appreciate his efforts when he feels safe enough to share.

Allow him his dignity

Watching a spouse completely berate a man sends a cringe that moves from the bottom of my feet to the ends of my curls. Some relationships have lost so much dignity I swear I am watching a parent correct their child. We sometimes revert to our most unhealthy patterns while upset. Having a peaceful discussion about issues gives us the best odds on a positive outcome. 

Men are amazing and complex. Keeping these points in mind may create a safe place where a man can share what he thinks and feels. I believe we could all have better relationships if we respect each person's individuality and need; and this includes the men in our lives.

To all of my men out there who are raising a child (biological or not) I wish you the best Father's Day!
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Learning To Balance Power In Marriage: My Tandem Bike Experience

6/5/2017

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I almost died. We almost died. It would have been all my fault. 

Maybe I'm being dramatic. The point is: We were careening down a steep hill toward the murky depths of Deer Creek and I was totally out of control. 

Here's what happened. My husband and I were away enjoying a romantic weekend getaway without our children. We had a room at the lodge with a view of the pool and plenty of time to enjoy one another's company. We could have peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I would have none of that. If you've read my blog about the REI trail you know I live for a little adventure and my adventures can turn into misadventures really quickly. If you haven't read it, you should; as it is nothing if not entertaining. Click here.

But I digress

It was a beautiful day in a idyllic setting so I suggested we go on a bike ride. I saw the resort rents tandem bikes and thought how romantic it would be to ride around the lake together. When I suggested it my husband gave me the side-eye and reluctantly agreed. I bounce off to the front desk to complete the paperwork while my loving husband unleashes the tandem bike from the bike rack. When I return he has it all set up and ready to go. I snapped the picture (above) and hop on the front seat because I wanted to drive. Although I didn't look back to see it, I now imagine my husband had a flash of anxiety across his face. 

Off we go! 

Very soon I realize that steering a tandem bicycle is not a strength of mine. I began to consider the idea that my husband's skills may be better suited for this job, but I didn't want him to take it from me. Honestly, I wanted to be in control. We did a test run around the parking lot and I started to feel a little more comfortable. I led to the path toward the water. This is the part where my husband starts telling me to slow down. I listened but the steep hill did not. Now, instead of slowing down we are quickly picking up speed.

Before I know it we are lurching down the hill toward the lake at (what seemed like) break-neck speed.

I shout "Honey, I can't slow it down!" To which he replied "Hit the brakes!" At this point several other couples are now watching and listening to this exchange.They are watching with faces that read a mix between horror and amusement. I then realize that I forgot to make note of the brakes, because they are not on the handlebars where they are supposed to be. I yell "where are the BRAKES!??!!" My husband patiently responds "Baby, peddle backward."

Ohhhhhhh

When I applied the brakes the tandem bicycle stopped. I jumped off as if the bicycle was on fire and quickly took the back seat. It all became quite funny to me and the lesson was apparent. I am so used to taking charge of everything and taking responsibility for everything it never occurred to me to share the responsibility with my husband. Much of my life is living on my own terms as a entrepreneur in my own private therapy practice. I forgot I have a very capable partner in life who is willing to shoulder some of the burden of life with me. I did not get married to do life by myself. It did not turn out better when I did it all myself and felt like I had full control. Many of the couples I see for counseling struggle with the same issue. Both partners are high achievers; in leadership or own their own businesses. They have power and control of their own lives and the lives of others. When it comes to their relationship they get locked in a power struggle and wonder why they feel like their relationship is hurtling down a hill toward a murky lake. My job is to help them learn that they can and should depend on another. We all have struggles and need to be reminded that we are not alone in life. We have a partner to "do life" with. It is OK to let your partner lead every once in a while. 
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Q: How Would Taking Care Of Myself Help To Improve My Relationship? Part II- The Danger In Unmet Needs

5/17/2017

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In Part One I wrote about those of us  who lack self-care turning to their spouse to have all of their needs met. This time around I discuss what happens when you realize your partner cannot meet all of your needs and look for other ways to fill the void. When we ignore our own needs we feel empty and we look for other ways to fill the voids we experience. In providing affair recovery therapy I have found many unfaithful partners lacked adequate self-care. 

Most people think of self-care as simple behaviors like exercise or sleep. Yes, that is a part of it but that is not the whole picture. True caring for self is addressing all of our needs; including emotional, psychological, and relational needs Adequate self-care is really about finding the voids in your life and finding a healthy way to fill those voids. Many couples come to counseling and one or both expect their partner to fulfill every need they have. The unmet need for  love, attention, and affection is especially dangerous when you are in a relationship. Many affairs have started this way.  We need to matter to someone, feel important, and valued (self-esteem). Many affairs promise these needs will be fulfilled, but over time the void is rediscovered because this is an internal job. 

People who lack sufficient self-care are many times people-pleasers, martyrs, or self-sacrificing heroes/sheroes. They may tell themselves it is wrong to spend time and energy on themselves. Their do not see their own needs or create boundaries that support their well-being. These folks with these invisible needs may search their whole life looking for something to fill that need. That "something" could be abusing substances, busying themselves with children, becoming a workaholic, or taking on a lover. At any rate, the primary love relationship suffers because this partner is no longer completely invested in the relationship. The "something" has taken their partner's place as the most important thing to them. 
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If someone is able to recognize the deficits in their life, and incorporate adequate self-care to reduce the deficit, the relationship is more likely to survive. One would need to find wholeness and feel complete in themselves to combat the temptation of the quick fix the "somethings" promise. Beginning and maintaining sufficient self-care can create a beautiful relationship of two whole, healthy people. 
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Q: How Would Taking Care OF Myself Help To Improve My Relationship?

5/17/2017

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Well, I'm glad you asked. If you are reading this you may need to be convinced or need help convincing someone else that taking care of yourself is necessary to have a healthy relationship. Taking care of yourself is relationship enhancement and will help to prevent its destruction. 

Your favorite airline makes sure you hear the words "put the oxygen mask on yourself first". Why? Because you cannot save anyone else if you perish.
The same principle can be applied for relationships. If you always put others' needs ahead of your own, you may destroy the very person they depend on.....you.

As a marriage/couple counselor I see many relationships in distress because one partner has taken on the self-sacrificing hero/heroine role and resents their partner for not doing the same. Over time many couples find they are building resentment and anger that has all but destroyed the relationship. One partner experiences the demand for love and attention are far too high. The other (the martyr/hero/heroine) feels their  needs are never adequately met. The second partner desperately attempts to hold on tighter while the first partner feels suffocated. 

Ok, but if I'm focusing on me won't my marriage suffer?

​No, not if you are responsible about it and your life is in balance. I f you are constantly running on empty you may look to your spouse to fill all of your empty buckets that you have neglected.  As an example, if you are not taking care of yourself emotionally you may learn to depend on your spouse to manage your emotions for you. You may find yourself saying something like "I am not fulfilled in this relationship". Looking for complete fulfillment outside of self is dangerous. You have everything you need to be happy and healthy already inside you. A healthy relationship is a complement to your life not completion of it. Neglecting yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and/or psychologically could make you take more from your partner than they have or are willing to give. 

The truth is: one must find balance in life. Maintaining health in all aspects of life allows you to be a whole person where you can give freely and fully. A person lacking in self-care can drain a relationship and leave both partners drained. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to address your own needs before you can begin to address needs of others. 


If you are ready to begin the journey to well-being and want to join us (online or in-person) in the next self-care group click here to learn more about the groups starting in mid-October.

If you realize your relationship is struggling and want to learn more about the specialized relationship counseling I provide in Columbus, Ohio click here.

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Building A Business Without Destroying Your Marriage

4/18/2017

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Becoming an entrepreneur is difficult. Someone who chooses this path is one who is not happy coasting through life. You have dreams and the traditional "9-5" just won't cut it. You have to make things happen for yourself, instead of waiting for someone else to do it. In embarking upon your adventures in self-employment many will provide advice; some good, some bad. Sure, you can find a wealth of information about how to start and maintain a successful business. One thing that is rarely discussed: the effect all of this has on your marriage. 

Many of my client couples are creating successful business only to find their marriage is in shambles. With the long hours, late nights, travel, and all of the things needed to grow it can become all encompassing. Starting and maintaining a successful business is hard; here are some ways you can salvage your relationship in the process.


Get Buy In

As a business owner you understand that you are your brand. You have to create value in your products or services to continually grow. Your business will never grow if you are not invested in it. The same is true of your spouse. It will be very difficult to grow your business if your spouse is against it. Try to get your spouse bought in to the process. Can you involve them in your triumphs and failures? Can you leave room for them to support you emotionally? Even if you are in business by yourself, you are not alone. The two of you are a team and will continue to be. Allowing your partner into your world may give them a sense of ownership and motivation to support you. Let them. 

Realize Its Your Passion 

Many who are self-employed felt compelled to do so and the status-quo was not an option. Realizing that your spouse may not have the same resolve is key. Although you are a team and having them bought-in is wonderful; they may not share your enthusiasm. Check your expectations. You can delight in their excitement and participation but they may never understand your drive. Respect who they are and where they are in their own professional journey and adjust your expectations accordingly. This is an opportunity for you to grow together as you both work toward your goals and an opportunity to dive into your passion. At the same time, share their passions with them too. Support should always be reciprocal. 

Share Your Effort

Building a business can be an all-encompassing effort. Wearing so many hats everyday is exhausting. Particularly if you are performing this Herculean tasks alone, each day can be more exhausting than the one before. In all of this you still need to pour into your relationship. What you feed will thrive, but unfortunately, what you starve will die. If you wait until "tomorrow" to work on your marriage there is a good chance there may not be a marriage to work on. Make sure you set aside time to feed your marriage. It would be a shame to build this awesome future and spend it alone. 

When I took the awesome leap out on my own and started Reconnecting Columbus I had no idea how hard it would be to juggle home and a growing practice/business. Over time I noticed that most entrepreneurs were struggling with the same balance.  Many clients were coming to me for the same issues I used to struggle with. Being aware of the threat of growing apart is necessary for your relationship's survival. Take time and work on your relationship with the same vigor that you have for your business so that both can thrive. You deserve an incredible future personally AND professionally. 



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It's Not You, It's Your Mother

4/3/2017

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Feel like you are in a tug-of-war for your lover's heart?

One of the biggest challenges couples face is the 
over-involvement of family members in the committed relationship. The trouble comes when a relationship with family members is unhealthy and creates discord between lovers. Many couples come into therapy wanting to work on the relationship between them but neglect to invite one key participant, this third person. For readability I will use the term "parent" although this post can apply to parents, children, friends, or anyone. In some relationships parents have become much like an emotional affair partner (I know scary right?). They receive  more than their share of time, energy, and sometimes even finances. This becomes a problem in relationships when the other partner feels left out. If parent and partner are at odds, many committed relationships will struggle to survive. As you struggle with the relationship between your partner and their parent here are some key points to consider.  
 
This Is Not A Competition…If You Do Not Compete

Contrary to what it may feel like, you are not in direct competition with your partner's parent.  Competition suggests willful opposition; yet you didn't sign up for this match. As well-meaning as they are some parents feel threatened by their child's love interest. This is their issue, not yours. Take the moral high-ground and avoid competing. If your partner values the relationship they will be open to hearing your concerns and making appropriate adjustments. This is easier when you are not creating more strife by being at odds with their parent. If you engage with the parent in competition you will lose footing and potentially your partner's ear. Rise above it. 
 
Parents Are Teachers

Many over-involved parents have difficulty with their own romantic relationships, leaving them time and energy to put into yours. What you may feel is inappropriate or destructive may be normal for that parent and perhaps even your partner. Take a step back and assess the situation. Does this family have a history of healthy loving relationships? If the answer is no, be prepared to begin the hard work of defining the boundaries of your relationship. People can change if they are willing and internally motivated to do so, they will not change simply because you want them to. Working with your partner to create a healthy relationship will bond the two of you together and perhaps salvage the relationship with their parent. 
 
 
The Ultimatum- Them or Me 

Many partners  feel they are left with no choice but to issue the ultimatum; your parent or me. This is a risky move. Your partner could be so intertwined with their parent that they are willing to lose you. This could be a very painful realization for you. You could find that you are the choice, but now resentment takes up the space the parent once occupied.  The probability that you experience the outcome you are looking for is slim. This option requires a cost/benefit analysis are you willing to gamble the relationship to win this fight? 
 
At any rate, there is no easy answer to this problem. Talk to your partner calmly, out of love and respect for them and the relationships. Ask for what you need and want without letting anger rule the conversation. Believe that your partner has your best interests at heart and hear them out too. If all else fails enlist a trusted friend, advisor, or qualified relationship counselor that can be objective and is not afraid to call you out on your blind spots. A great relationship is possible, if you are willing to put in the work.  

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"Say It Already!" Having difficult conversations with the one you love.

2/19/2017

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​Let’s face it. Most of us avoid the difficult conversations with our partners because we don’t want it to start another fight. Soon we find ourselves doing a cost-benefit analysis. Is the desired outcome worth the cost of an argument today? Some days we feel brave and start the conversation while bracing ourselves for the emotional consequences. Other days we remain silent and let the anger and resentment fester only to have it explode days or weeks later. This does not have to be your fate. Here are some helpful tips to start a difficult conversation. 

Check Your Anger

All emotions are valid. If you want a receptive partner to hear your concerns anger is not the way to engage them. Anger comes across as attack. Very few people can feel as though they are under attack and remain open and responsive. Most people respond with defensiveness, withdraw, or counterattack. None of these responses will help you or your relationship. Instead harness that anger and allow the other emotions to come through. If you feel lonely, hurt, or disrespected; say so. Someone who is concerned about your well-being is more likely to be open to you if they can connect with your emotional experience.  
 
Check Your Motives 

It may seem obvious to you that your motives are pure. This may not be so obvious to your partner. Make sure your words are chosen carefully and respect those “hot buttons” in your partner. If you know your partner is sensitive to feeling overpowered then make sure you are doing everything you can do to level the playing field. If your partner frequently complains about feeling isolated in the relationship make sure you are paying special attention to ensuring you have included your partner in the discussion. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself “Will what I say next ultimately pull us closer together or further away?” If you want to be heard and understood make sure that you words give life to your relationship. 
 
Check Your Default 
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If you are prone to believing your partner does not love you or wishes you emotional harm you may want to refrain from those difficult subjects. The two of you must work through these fundamental issues before you can have open and honest dialogue. This is also true of your partner’s default. If they struggle to find the good in what you have to say the two of your will continue to struggle with difficult conversations. Once you have cleared away the negative subtitles that are playing under one another’s words you will be free to create a new story.  
 
Communicating in relationships does not have to create additional strain in a relationship. Some conversations are difficult to start, yet we still need to have them. Be brave and express yourself. Honest conversations are the building blocks to emotional intimacy. 

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We Just Drifted Apart-3 Ways To Reverse The Tide

2/19/2017

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It is painful to be in a relationship where you sit up at night trying to figure out how to feel connected again. The silence between you and your partner is uncomfortable and familiar. 
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Many couples come into my office 
with similar stories:
1. They are better friends or room
mates than they are lovers 
2. The kids left and now they do not know each other
3. They are living completely separate lives.


The sad truth:  I can usually trace the disconnect back to silence.  

Most people do not enter into relationships with the expectation to drift apart; they just do. They let work, kids, family, activities, and life get in the way of building the love they want. Couples struggle to juggle all of the responsibilities of life so something has to give. Unfortunately many people assume they have time later to work on “us” because so many other things are demanding our attention. Some couples address it in short spurts with weekend getaways or date night. Other couples assume this is normal in long-term relationships and allow life to take over. The silence is deafening and neither of you know what to do about it.  
 
Address The Elephant In The Room 

This may sound like common sense, but ignoring the problem will not make it go away. Talk to your partner about how you feel. If you are feeling disconnected most likely your partner shares your experience. They may even thank you for bringing it up. Just talking about it can begin connecting the two of you in ways you have not been in years. Start the conversation without anger or blame; attempt to find out why. Avoid blaming or accusations. 
 
Develop A Plan And Stick To It 

Contrary to popular belief marriages can be healed outside of going to therapy. Honestly, therapy is not a guarantee to save your relationship. If you are both committed to your relationship you can read books by reputable authors, get support from couples you respect, go on a retreat; whatever you think would work best for you. If you find that you need more professional assistance make sure that your therapist specializes in your presenting concerns, has a clear plan, and is objective. An excellent therapist for individual counseling may not necessarily have the training and expertise needed to provide effective relationship counseling.   

Make One Another A Priority 

In order to start the process of transforming your relationship you must make it priority. Many marriages fail because the relationship is secondary to any and everything else. What you feed will flourish, what you starve will die. It is hard to excel in other avenues in life if your marriage is failing. Take the time to invest in your relationship to ensure it survival. The returns on your investment may continue for years (even generations) to come.  
 
It is important to remember your connection was not broken overnight and cannot be rebuilt overnight either. It takes time to find those things that bonded you two in the first place. Your connection will be rebuilt one moment at a time as small drops into a bucket that can fill to overflowing; What keeps you from starting today? 

Do you need support for your relationship? Please email me at deidre@reconnectingcolumbus.com

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No More Dinner and a Movie! 5 Alternatives to the Same Old Routine

2/5/2017

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The most romantic holiday of the year is upon us. Some are annoyed with Valentine's Day because our culture is more about giving someone things than sharing love and affection. This does not have to be the case for you and your love. We can take back the romance of February 14th by changing the narrative. Here are some unorthodox ways to show your love this holiday.

Make A Declaration

Pick your medium. You can use chalk in your lover's driveway, beautiful penmanship in a real (envelope and stamp) letter, or a rose petal message at the office. Any way you do it make sure your message is sincere. Some may adore the message shared only between the two of you. Others may enjoy having the message read by everyone. The key is knowing your partner and making sure they are able to appreciate your declaration. 

Get In Your Time Machine

Do you remember where you first met? Where you said "I love you"? Your first kiss? Recreating your firsts is one of the best ways to rekindle a spark in your relationship. If you have been a couple a long time you will have many memories to recreate. Tell your love how important they are to you be bringing back the moments that brought you  together. 

Learn A New Skill

Doing something new for your partner may show them you are willing to put the effort into making them happy. You can learn to dance, paint, or cook. The result is not as important as showing your partner that you are willing to do something new to keep the relationship exciting. This could be even more fun if you learn something new together. 

Check Their Bucket List

Romance is not flowers, candy, cards, or balloons. It is paying attention to your partner and making their want a reality. Listen to your partner's dreams and see if there is one you can make come true. Asking your partner open-ended questions may reveal dreams never realized. Columbus is one of the best cities for hidden adventures. The key is to listen without preparing to respond and hear what their aspirations are. 

Go Off Of The Grid

Find a quiet place for the two of you where electronics are not allowed. Turn off your phone, tablet, etc. You can retreat to a cabin in the woods or not leave your own bedroom. Give 24 hours of your undivided attention. Blocking out all other distractions and tuning into one another may completely revitalize your relationship. 


This holiday does not have to be boring and predictable, laced with disappointment, anxiety, and regret. Many of the couples that come in for marriage or relationship counseling are struggling to find ways to show that they care. The best gifts are those of experiences. Columbus has endless possibilities. Let this holiday be the one you both will remember for years to come. Give your love a memory for Valentine's Day. Your relationship is worth the effort. 



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Why Should I Try Marriage Counseling When It Is Easier To Leave?

1/8/2017

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Let's be honest, being in a relationship that is struggling is HARD. It seems that you spend much of your energy attempting to prevent a fight, getting your point across during the fight, or attempting to self-soothe after the fight. Before you know it weeks, months, even years have passed. Being happy together is becoming a distant memory. Sometimes it seems easier to leave. The truth is, leaving is not easier. Rewriting your dreams  and redefining your identity is not easier.  Leaving may seem easier right not because it promises to stop the pain. Many couples find that the temporary solution to leave creates a more permanent pain. If you are not in an abusive relationship you owe it to yourself, your family, and your future to make sure you have done everything to preserve what you have built.  

Walking Away 

Most of us know that person who seems to have never quite recovered from the divorce. They live with regret, shame, or anger. They seem to wear their bitterness like a cloak around their shoulders. In my practice when I meet these folks I realize that they gave up before healing. Some people are able to go on with life after the breakup to be healthier and happier. The success stories are usually a result of hard work on why the relationship failed, either as a couple or individually. These folks have worked hard to make sure they are able to walk away with a clear conscience. When you said your wedding vows you had dreams of what life would be like together, are you ready to give up on those dreams without doing everything in your power to save them?

Not Just Any Therapist

Marriage therapy is not interchangeable with other types of therapy; therefore not every therapist can (or should) provide marriage therapy. A qualified clinican can also assist you in determining if you want to stay in the relationship. A therapist that was great helping your friend with anxiety may not be the best choice to help you with your marriage. Clinicians need specialized training in order to be effective. This training is not obtained in most graduate school programs or even with years of experience. A clinician needs to have extensive training in what makes relationships successful and be able to guide a couple from their current destructive patterns to healthier ones or help you decide if divorce is your best option. Learning communications skills is essential for climbing the corporate ladder but they will not save your marriage.  

Cost vs. Benefit 

Saving your relationship will cost you. This cost is not simply measured in dollars and cents; although quality relationship work is not usually cheap (although usually cheaper than divorce). Entering into therapy to save a marriage may require you to take a hard look at yourself and your spouse. It may even cause you to challenge beliefs you have held onto your entire life. It may cost you time and emotional effort. Success is not easy in any facet of life. If you want to excel at anything it will take practice and determination. It will be hard sometimes. The benefits are worth it. Having a best friend to go through life with is worth the cost. Feeling secure, supported, and loved is worth the cost. Self-esteem and empowerment is worth the cost. You are worth the cost.  
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Our society is not supportive of working through the tough times in a marriage. We are inundated with information that tells us to be happy now and worry about the future later. We are trained to expect instant gratification with little effort. We expect instant results for  almost no exertion. Marriages cannot survive on auto-pilot. Before you leave ask yourself this question: "Have I really done EVERYTHING in my power to make this work?" If you have yet to try counseling with a qualified marriage therapy could you honestly answer "yes"? 
 
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